Okay, so our memories weren’t really misty nor water-colored, but they were memories. BrightStar and our other friend (who used to be our drummer back at the old church) came over for dinner and catching up after way too many years of not seeing each other. I hope that we can get together more often when BrightStar is in town.

We spent a lot of time with those “girls” all those years ago and it’s really a blessing to see them grown up and successful and (mostly) happy. And I think it’s very cool to be able to sit down together as adults and talk about our lives and jobs and kids and families and so forth. Don’t get me wrong - I loved those teenage girls a lot, but there is a whole new dimension to our relationship in being together as adults with all sorts of life experiences behind us. And yet, it felt like it hadn’t been many years since we had seen each other. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to pick up a friendship and feel like you can still share important things with each other even though several years have passed.

And I think it was right and fitting that our evening ended with sharing music together. I believe we all agreed that we missed the choir community that we had all that time ago - the sharing and creating of music - something that we all love.

So, thanks BrightStar and Drummer Girl (I’m sure she would probably hate that nickname, but it’s late and it’s all I got) for the visit. May the next visit be much sooner than the last :)

I am the world’s worst procrastinator. Or if not the worst, then right there near the top. So, taking an online class with no due dates is not a good thing. If I have a due date, I can only procrastinate so long before I have to get busy and turn stuff in. But no due dates? I could procrastinate until the end of the class! Well, except for the fact that you can only turn in two assignments at a time. That helped a little.

Anyway, I had managed to get half of my assignments turned in by last weekend (and the class doesn’t end until November 24 even!), and I knew I needed to work on some this weekend while Mike was home to take care of LG.

But this morning his mom called and said they needed him to come over there and help them reroof their shed. Which, since he had nothing really important planned for the day, he could certainly do. Even better? LG’s favorite cousin was visiting Grandma today, so he took her with him to play with her cousin. They have been gone since about 10:30 this morning (so 4 1/2 hours), and while I’ve missed them, it’s been so nice to have some uninterrupted peace and quiet in order to get some work done.

And get some work done I did! I got four of the last five assignments finished! Not turned in yet, because I need to edit and so forth, but completed! Yippee! The other assignment is to teach the lesson you wrote in the previous assignments to your class and reflect on that, or if you have no class (which, of course, I do not), you can interview an administrator or teacher regarding the subject matter (which is English Language Learners). And since I have two cousins who are principals, and I’m not above using my familial connections, I will be interviewing one of my cousins in the days to come. And then I’ll be done and able to get a provisional endorsement on my teaching certificate so that I can teach again if the need arises.

Not bad for a procrastinator!

Because of the heart issues I had earlier in the summer, then the wear and tear on my throat from the transesophogealechocardiogram (when they stick the tube down your throat to get a better look at things), and finally the nastiest summer cold I’ve had in many years, I realized today that I haven’t sung a real solo at church (other than a few lines) since probably the beginning of June. That’s a long time for me. It was sad and frustrating and at times I wondered if my voice would ever come back.

Well, it’s not all the way back, but it’s well on the way again. Today, I sang a solo at Generations (our monthly religious education program) and another solo at mass tonight. And it felt really really good. By no means was it my best work, but just to be able to do it without coughing or without wondering if my voice was going to come out when I wanted it to was a true blessing.

Music is my escape and my joy and it was really hard to be without it for so long. But I think I’m back! Thank you Lord!

And, by the way, Marlene did a really cool song that was a little different from what she normally does, but it was kicka$$!! (Can I use that word to describe a God song? lol!) I think we did pretty well for the first session back from summer break, if I do say so myself. :)

I’ve heard it said that being a mother is like having a piece of your heart forever beating outside your body. And the truth in that is profound.

I have never worried as much about another person as I worry about my daughter. I worry about so many things. Every time we get in the car, I say a little prayer that we’ll make it to our destination and back safely. Every time I leave her somewhere without me, I don’t totally relax until she’s safely back home with me. I worry that she’ll get lost or hurt or injured or that someone will hurt her feelings. Every time I see a story on the news about a child who has some horrible disease, I pray fervently that she will grow up healthy and strong. I worry that I’m not doing the right things for her to help her grow into a kind loving person. I worry that her refusal to eat certain foods will somehow stunt her growth. I worry about silly things, about things I should worry about and about things I have no control over. In short, I worry a. lot.

But one of the things that scares me the most, I think, is that I will have to leave her before she is grown. And that she will lose her sweet, happy, joyful little soul because she will have to suffer a loss at a young age. That scares me a lot.

So maybe you can understand how freaked out I was about something being wrong with those tests. What if it was this? What if it was that? I was hell to live with for a couple of days. Every time I looked at my little girl, I wasn’t sure whether to smother her with hugs and kisses or burst into tears. So, there was much relief when I heard what the issue of concern was.

But it made me think. What can I do to make sure I’m around for as long as possible? And whatever it is, don’t I owe it to her to make sure I do all those things? We’d all like to think we’re immortal, but unfortunately we are not, and the older we get, the better we need to take care of our bodies. Even if we don’t want to.

I want to see my little girl grow up. I want to see her graduate from high school and college and graduate school if she so chooses. I want to be at her wedding and I want to babysit my grandchildren. And I’d like to see them graduate and get married, too.

I don’t have control over everything in my life. I sure as heck don’t have control over my heart issues. But I do have control over a lot of other things. So I need to take that control and do the best I can to be healthy. For my daughter, my husband, my future grandchildren, but most importantly for myself, so that I can have the best quality of life that is possible for as long as I’m here.

So time to make some changes. It won’t be easy, but I’m going to do the best I can. I can’t ask more of myself than that.

Oh, hi! Yes, I’m still here. I have actually been able to participate in vacation bible school this week and it has worneth me outeth a bit. But, the good news is that my energy levels are slowly starting to go back up. And also, I’m losing like a ton of weight. Now this would be a realllly great thing if it was “real” weight and not just the water weight that I gained when on the medication (that is a diuretic and therefore “theoretically” makes it impossible for it to make me retain water and YET, every time I go off the medication, I lose weight, so whatever) and from the lovely saline IV they had me on all day when I was at the hospital. Fourteen pounds of water weight I gained people. FOURTEEN. I’m down past where I started when I went to the hospital (which in one day ALONE gained me 5 pounds) and headed back towards where I was when I went on the medication.

I’m also trying this new thing called NOT OVEREATING all the time. It’s a novel idea isn’t it? I’m not really going on a “diet” about what I’m eating at the moment - just how much I’m eating. I mean, I figure since I barely ate anything the day I was in the hospital (even though I gained FIVE pounds of fluids - did I mention that?), I should take advantage of the shrunken stomach and not overfill it. I’m doing really well with that, actually, and I think that in itself is a positive step forward.

Oh, and there’s also that whole “can’t eat chocolate” thing. *sigh* Oh well, I’ll live. I have my caffeine free cocoa and I’ll just make myself frosting or brownies or whatever when I need to and all will be well. (Or that’s what I’m telling myself anyway.)

So, yeah, that’s what’s been going on this week. Bible School in the morning and come home and collapse in the afternoon.

Oh, and I’m rereading the first Harry Potter book. And taking notes to see if I can catch all the clues. Because I’m totally geeky like that.

I’ve been really slacking on the exercise front. I mean, reallllly slacking. And I decided that by the time we go on vacation in September, I want to be unashamed to wear a swimsuit at the hotel pool. And I want Mr. Syndromes to tell me how great I look when we (hopefully) have dinner with him when we visit San Diego this year…lol!

So, I’ve come up with a plan. I am setting the alarm on my cell phone for the top of the hour each hour until LG goes down for her nap. And every time it goes off, I have to drop whatever I’m doing (whether it be sewing, or internetting or playing with LG or reading a book or watching television (ha!) or whatever) and get up and do something physical. That could be popping in an exercise dvd for a 10 minute workout, putting on some music and dancing around for 5-10 minutes with LG or even running 10 laps around the house. Whatever it is, it has to include me getting off my butt and getting my heart rate up. It’s too darn hot to do anything outside, so I have to be creative. And setting a little goal of 10 minutes or less every hour seems a lot more doable than trying to work out for a half an hour to an hour at a time. Or even to get out of the house to go to Curves right now. I know that it’s better to get your heart rate up for 20 minutes at a stretch, but at this point I figure something is better than nothing. And many somethings are better than many nothings. So, I’m getting off my butt and doing something. And you know what? It feels good! I think when I do my 10 laps around the house next time, I’ll carry the hand weights with me…lol!

I’m not exactly sure why merely changing a digit on the calendar constitutes a new beginning, but somehow every year January 1 seems to wipe the slate clean and make us feel like we can start fresh.

For me, at least, 2006 was a very good year. For a change, I had no major medical issues - in fact I was told at my heart checkup that another year of good heart health would spring me from cardiac care for good. At first that was kind of hard to fathom since I’ve been under a cardiologist’s care for most of my life, but I’m getting used to it now. My marriage continued to be solid and strong and happy. My daughter flourished and grew and showed me that the whole preemie thing didn’t really matter at all. We did lose the last of our sweet dogs at the beginning of the year - our babies that we raised as our children until Little Girl came along. That was probably the hardest thing we had to deal with this year, but then we got Melody and while she could never replace Lady, Majerle and Bob, she has earned her own special place in our hearts and she has become LG’s constant companion, protector, and beloved friend. And that is a very good thing.

LG reached many milestones this year - from walking to running to climbing to talking in full-on sentences and a vocabulary that doesn’t stop. She is bright and beautiful and gives us more joy than we ever dreamed she could.

But, 2006 is over. Bring on 2007. I made a lot of resolutions last year. And I didn’t keep too many of them. So this year it’s going to be simple.

1. Eat better and exercise.

2. Make an effort to read even more than I did last year.

3. Keep up with the crafting (because I love it so much)!

4. Try to keep a positive outlook.

5. Get pregnant if it’s meant to be.

6. Continue working on organizing the house.

7. Enjoy every moment with my precious daughter.

There. I think that is doable. My wish for 2007 for my family, my beloved friends, and for all of you who read this blog is that it be filled with more joy than sorrow, with health and happiness, and that your wishes come true if they are meant to be.

To those of you who take the time to stop by here on a regular basis, thank you so much for sharing a few minutes of your life with me and my little corner of the world. And if you do read and don’t leave comments, maybe your resolution could be to leave a comment now and then! I love comments!

No matter what, though, Happy New Year to everyone out there! May it be an awesome one!

Updated to add: Click here to see my photo retrospective of 2006.

Grief is something that comes in waves. At the beginning it’s just a continuous overwhelming tsunami that sweeps you away and consumes you and you have to fight your way to the top again and again. Sometimes it pulls you back down for awhile, but you manage to fight your way back up. Then slowly, slowly, the waves begin to lessen and you go under less frequently, until one day you stop going down and you float along on the gentle lapping waves toward the shore. And finally, you are deposited on the beach and there you spend your days, digging in the sand, building sand castles, sunbathing, and collecting seashells until another great wave crashes onto you and drags you back out to sea. But now you’re a master swimmer and you can fight your way back to shore a little faster. There are no more tsunamis, no more tidal waves, just the occasional big wave that tries to drag you back out into the sea of grief, but you don’t let it anymore. You fight your way back. Faster and faster every time. But no matter how often you fight your way back, there will always be a wave that pulls you out now and then. The time between the waves gets longer and longer, but they still come crashing onto the shore every once in awhile. And sometimes they are just small little tides that cover your feet but don’t pull you all the way in. Such is grief.

My mom has been gone for almost seven years now. And for the most part my grief is quiet tides covering my feet. But now and again, there are loud crashing waves that threaten to drag me back down into that sea of grief.

This weekend amidst all the joy of my daughter’s birthday, I missed my mother terribly. The older she gets, the harder it is not to have my mother here to share it with me, because I know how very much she would love that little girl - almost as much as I do.

But, I cannot let the grief overwhelm me, because she wouldn’t want it to be that way. And really, she is here. In every smile, every laugh, every jut of the jaw and wave of my daughter’s hand. She’s here in a molecular way because of mitochondrial dna, of course, but she’s here in the spirit of a little girl who I know my mother sent to me to keep me from drowning in the waves of grief for the rest of my life.

I miss my mother every day, but I delight and rejoice in my daugher, who is my physical bond to my mother. Sometimes my grief is loud, but the loudness is fleeting and the quiet grief is what remains. My mother is in my heart and in my daughter. And therefore, she will always be with me.

This morning was my “monthly” weigh-in/measure at Curves. Now to be fair, I didn’t get weighed last month because I had to take about four weeks off because of my stupid sprained ankle. But, whatever way you look at it, I have made progress.

Since my initial weigh-in/measure in September, I’ve lost one pound (and really I’m not so worried about pounds because I know I’m building muscle and the weight is not going to necessarily go down all that fast right now) and 6 1/2 inches overall. I lost at least a 1/4 inch in all areas, and I lost 3 inches on my waist. That was awesome!

The weird part is that my body fat percentage actually went UP instead of down. If anyone can explain to me how you can lose weight and inches and your body fat percentage still goes up, I’d be really happy to hear it…lol!

But the main thing is, that it is working. And that keeps you going right? Now I just need to focus on eating even healthier. And of course this time of the year is not the best time to do that, but I’ll work on it. Gotta cut out all the fast food again unless it’s an emergency!

And if you have a moment, please scroll down to the post below and leave me your opinion on my etiquette question!

The colder it gets (cold being relative of course), the later the sun comes up, the harder it is to drag my butt out of bed at 7ish in the morning and go to the gym to work out. But, I try to remind myself when I’m lolling in bed trying to come up with a good excuse why I don’t have to go that day, that I’m doing it for Little Girl and Mike as much as I’m doing it for myself because they deserve to have me around for a long time. (I suppose that could be taken two ways, but you know what I mean.)

I also deserve to feel good, and once I’m out of bed, it’s not so hard to get dressed and get out the door. It’s the getting out of bed that hurts. But once I get there and start my workout, it feels really really good, and it gives me some time in my own head where I’m not worrying about what LG and Melody are getting into at that particular moment. And when I’m done? I feel terrific. I really do.

The Curves workout is great because it only take a half an hour and really, who can’t spare a half an hour three times a week to take care of themselves? It’s also not boring. I wasn’t sure how I’d take to the circuit workout style, but I really love it. You work out all your muscles and get cardio in, too. And how hard you work out is entirely up to you and how many reps you do each time. There’s good music, there’s usually other people there to talk to, and there are no men. Not that I have anything against men, but until I look more like Salma Hayek or Catherine Zeta-Jones, I don’t want to workout around men. So there.

Bottom line, I look into LG’s beautiful big green eyes and I know that it’s totally worth it. And I also know that as long as I keep it up, my energy levels WILL get back to where they were before I got pregnant. And that will also be worth it.

Of course, they’re closed the day after Thanksgiving. Right when you really NEED to workout. Darn them. ;)

Marlene and I got back to our twice weekly walks this morning, even though we were tired by the end of our little street. Hey! It’s been a few weeks! And we still did the whole circuit so there! I took along the early ballot that they sent me (which I didn’t ask for, but they sent me when I finally had them correct my address which has been wrong forever and which I will explain more about at the bottom of this post*) and dropped it off at the polling place which just happened to be right along our path. It was a four-page ballot, so having already filled it in last night and only having to drop it off and not have to stand there with a 23 month old trying to run away from me while I voted was a lot easier!

When LG and I got in the house after the walk, Melody didn’t greet us at the door like she normally does. I called her name thinking she’d come running, but still no Melody. I thought maybe Mike had let her loose in the big yard and forgot to bring her back in and close the gate, so I looked out the patio doors and saw her standing there. I couldn’t figure out why she didn’t just come in her doggie door, so I told her to “go around”. But she just kept standing there, so I went to see if maybe Mike had locked her out for some unknown reason. Uh no. But there was a pillow lodged in the doggie door which of course blocked her way in and out. Busted!

*When we built our house we had to also add a little street that wasn’t immediately added to maps and to databases and so on, so even though we were living on a Drive, we kept getting mail addressed to Avenue which the mail carriers would deliver to our house anyway because there was no such address on the Avenue that had our number and mail carriers tend to have more brains than databases do. Anyway, it took a couple of YEARS to get it all straightened out after much email and phone calls and letters and address changes and such. It was a royal pain in the butt. But one of the databases that didn’t recognize our Drive address at first was the county recorder, so all the voting materials came to Avenue. Mike changed his awhile back, but I was lazy and did not, so we got double of everything for awhile - one to him at Drive and one to me at Avenue. I finally got sick of it this year and called to change it and for whatever reason, when I did that, they decided to send me an early ballot. But you know what? I liked it. I’m totally getting an early ballot from now on, just so I don’t have to go through all the hassles. And that’s the end of that story. WAKE UP!

We’re sitting on the back porch as I type this, watching Melody chase birds and come very close to catching them because they choose to run first and then fly (silly quail) and Little Girl run around burning off energy. The weather is beautiful this time of the year. The temperature at the moment (8:21 am) is about 62 degrees so there’s a slight nip in the air, but mostly it’s just nice to be able to sit outside and feel comfortable.

We decided that since Mike is behind on projects, we would try to get up earlier so he could get out of here faster and I could go work out again. So this morning we got up a little after 7, and I got dressed and went to Curves and he stayed home to take care of Little Girl and spend his morning time with her. This was the first time I’ve gone to work out since I sprained my ankle and it felt soooo good. Tomorrow (hopefully if she is feeling okay) Marlene and I will get back on our walking schedule again and I’ll be on target for 5 days of exercise.

So even though last week was insane, this week is shaping up to be a good one. Let’s hope it stays that way.

Today. Today I got out of the house. And went to my in-laws. And saw the new baby! Little Girl loves babies. She loves to point to all their body parts. Eye! Nose! Toes! Ahbrow! Tongue! Hair! Elbow! She doesn’t love it so much when she wants Mommy to pick her up and/or go where she wants her to go and Mommy can’t because she is holding the baby. But, Grandma was there, so she took care of those needs. Except for when LG tried to climb into my lap at the dinner table when I was holding the baby. That didn’t work so well.

I can’t blame her really. I’ve not been able to pick her up and hold her too much for the last couple of weeks. So the fact that I was able to pick up and hold her (much much smaller and lighter and not as heavy) cousin probably didn’t seem too fair in her mind.

On the other hand, if we do end up having another baby, she needs to get used to the idea that Mama will not always be able to pick her up whenever she wants her to. So, a good learning opportunity.

I love girl babies. Love them. Love them. Boy babies are cuddly and cute, too. But there is something about a girl baby. Maybe it’s because I had a girl baby. Maybe if I’d had a boy baby I’d like boy babies best. But I have to be honest. Whatever the reason, I am rather partial to girl babies. So I really enjoyed cuddling my little niece today. And it made me think it might be nice to have one more girl baby. So, we’ll see. We shall see.

Oh, and the ankle? Getting better. Still swelling a little when I’m on it, but less and less. I even had to carry LG in from the car when we got home because she fell asleep and I was able to do it without any pain. So I think we’re on the right track. I’m just not going to push myself too far too fast.

But I’m totally going to Joann’s tomorrow. I’m having Joann’s withdrawal!

Hope your day was good. I’ll refrain from gloating about our weather. Today. Muwahahahaha!

This morning I woke up and I could put weight on my bad ankle again without screaming. No, I am not running around without my crutch yet, but I’m not in pain anymore either. I’m still not healed, but I’m on the road to recovery and so maybe I can stop being so grumpy and feeling so frustrated. I haven’t actually left the house since I went to Urgent Care over a week ago. And yes, that totally sucks. Especially since I have much to do that I’m the only one who can do.

I also woke up this morning to the sound of a nice steady rain. I love autumn rainstorms. The summer monsoon is terrifying with its thunder and lightning and wind. Even when Mike is home, it’s scary, although it has a wild beauty about it. And if I could have a 100% guarantee that nothing was going to happen to our house or the people/creatures in it, I’d totally love it, but there is no such guarantee, so it’s kind of nervewracking.

But last night and this morning? Just steady rain. No lightning to speak of. No thunder anywhere near us. Just rain. Mike said that there always seems to be one good rainfall that signals a change in the weather. We don’t really have what you’d call a “gradual” change of weather here. It’s in the 100s, then it’s in the 90s, and then all of a sudden it’s in the 70s and 80s and it gets chilly at night. That’s fall for us desert dwellers. But I love it. October is my favorite month for a reason. The end of the heat and the promise of lower electric bills. ;)

Hope you’re all having a great weekend!

• Little Girl will not be wearing t-shirts out in public anymore since she has now figured out how to take them off. She took her shirt off a few times today and I told her she was not going to be running around like a little redneck baby without a top on! (Okay, I know not all babies who run around without a top on are redneck babies, but still!) Onesies, overalls, and dresses until further notice.

• My goals this week were to:

1) Exercise five days (MWF at Curves and TTh walking with Marlene) Check

2) Not eat any fast food Check

3) Eat a healthier breakfast (i.e. no pop tarts) Check

So I met all my goals. Did I lose any weight or inches yet? Probably not, but I’m feeling good about myself, and feeling better. Still tired, but then again, I have a toddler. The energy will come!

• I finished the first of 5 (yes I’m crazy) quilts I’m making for my nieces and nephews and daughter for Christmas. Well, mostly finished. I still have to actually quilt it and then do the hand stitching to finish it. I’m sort of stressing about the whole quilting thing, so if any of you out there have quilted and want to give me a pep talk? I’ll gladly take it…lol! (By the way, the quilts are very simple nine block quilts and they actually go together pretty quickly, so I’m not totally crazy…hehehe!)