Stuff on My Mind, Part 1
I seem to have a lot to say today! Two big things that have been on my mind the past few days…
I was thinking the other day about the love we have for our children and the love we have for our spouse/significant other/partner. There are major differences between the two types of love. And one of those is whether or not the love is unconditional. (Stay with me here! Don’t get too riled up yet.) I don’t think the love we have for our spouse is totally unconditional. There are definite conditions to that love. Or there should be. The vows we make when we get married are conditions. And even if we’re not married, we have certain expectations (or conditions) that we expect to be held up, such as that they love us back, that they are faithful, that they treat us with respect and kindness (at least most of the time - we’re none of us perfect), that they don’t beat us up, that they stand by us through sickness, health, happiness, sadness, etc. We have those reasonable expectations of a partner. And it’s always possible (sad to say) that we might fall out of love with a spouse or partner if those conditions are not met.
On the other hand, the love we have for our children IS (or at least should be) unconditional. When we become parents, we fall in love and we don’t expect anything from them. We love them no matter what. And we love them forever. I think it’s pretty hard to fall out of love with your child (although I’m sure it’s possible under dire circumstances). And that’s the way it should be. We are parents for life. And nothing can change that. We can’t divorce our children. They are our flesh and blood. And if you adopt a child, at that moment, you have promised to treat that child just as you would your biological child, so it’s the same difference I imagine.
Part of what brought this up was me telling Mike that if anything ever happened to me, I would understand if he remarried, AS LONG AS he married someone that understood that he is a parent first and foremost and that his relationship with his child must always be at the forefront of his mind and heart. I’m not saying that you don’t put your spouse (or yourself for that matter) first at times, but what I’m saying is that your relationship with your child is an unbreakable bond and that anyone who tries to come between that relationship does not deserve your commitment. Now, I’m not talking about circumstances when the adult child is the one who tries to sabotage a relationship between their parent and their parent’s future spouse, etc. That’s a whole different story. And I’m not talking about a non-adult child who doesn’t want to share their parent, either. That has to be handled in a very careful manner, with kindness and love and sometimes tough love.
What I’m talking about is something like the situation I’m in with my dad and she who shall not be named. I never tried to come between them. I just wanted to have some space to grieve my mother before I was ready to accept another person in my life in the capacity of my father’s spouse. And any normal caring person should have been able to accept and understand that. What I got instead was someone who has done nothing BUT try to come between me and my father and between him and his granddaughter. That is inexcusable. And I’m not talking about this for any particular reason, but because it was on my mind the other day. I’ve come to terms with the fact that my father is not a regular part of our lives. It is what it is. But that doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t make it anything that I ever want to see repeated in anyone else’s life. It happened in my mom’s life with her father, too. But her father’s “that woman” was truly evil and did and said horrible things to my mom. She who shall not be named is more passive aggressive and just says nasty thing to my dad. Either way, I told Mike that if he ever married anyone like that, I would come back and haunt him. And don’t think I won’t!
Anyway, that was on my mind. And this post is really long, so the 2nd thing on my mind will have to wait for another post!
Comment by Marlene
July 28, 2008 @ 4:05 pm
I agree about the unconditional/conditional love thing. But I guess what I’ll never understand are people who put their children first to the exclusion of their spouse and or marital relationship. The excuse that “the kids are only little for a short time and we’ll reconnect after they are gone” is total crap, in my opinion. Children NEED the model of a loving relationship between their parents in order to go out and create loving relationships of their own. Children are the by product of our marital relationships and I don’t think the “falling out of love” excuse is a valid one for leaving a relationship. There are factors that are deal breakers, like abuse, but I think, barring those circumstances, when you choose to create a child with someone, you must believe that the bond with your spouse is unbreakable. I think far too many people go into marriage and child bearing with the idea that “we can always divore if it doesn’t work out”. If you have a child with that mindset, you are, in my opinion, not fit to be a parent. This is rambling and not entirely getting my point across, but I know you know what I’m trying to say!lol!
Comment by Karin
July 28, 2008 @ 4:26 pm
I think this is a great comment and I totally agree with everything you said. If you become a parent, you better be ready to be in it for the long haul, unless there is one of those deal breakers that you mentioned. I don’t think “falling out of love” is a good excuse for divorce when you are a parent, either. If you’re a parent, you better start looking for a way to fall back IN love. But as you said, putting kids first to the exclusion of your relationship with your spouse is not a smart thing to do either. It’s all a such a delicate balance! Because, in the end, your kids grow up and move on and you end up either alone or with that person you’ve been sharing space with all of those years. You better still know who he or she is and still have stuff in common to get you through the golden years! :)