When Television Transcends Entertainment
I have stopped writing about television here for the most part because I have another blog that I’m writing about television in. But last night’s ER season premiere hit me in much deeper places than most tv shows do. There will be some spoilers here, so if you are planning to watch it and haven’t yet, you might want to skip reading this post until you do…
Just to set up the scenario - at the end of last season, Abby (one of the residents), who was pregnant with Luka’s baby, collapsed in a pool of blood. Because of a bunch of other stuff going on in the hospital at the same time which I won’t go into here, they didn’t find her right away, but they finally did and they rushed to help her. I would conjecture that she was about 30 weeks along at the time or so. It might have been less, but I’m going by what she said about the baby not being due for 2 1/2 months, and that to me equals 10 weeks, but give or take a week.
Anyway, things were going wrong, but the baby was hanging in there. They were concerned about an abruption. Abby said she was going to hold out for two more weeks when the risks of prematurity plummet (which would be about 32 weeks if I’m not mistaken, having been there). But instead, she gushed blood and they rushed her to the OR and delivered a baby via c-section. They had to continue to work on her, but she sent the father off with the baby because she “didn’t want him to be alone.”
The baby could not breathe on his own and there were many other issues, but he was hanging in there at the end of the episode. The other big thing, though, was that they couldn’t get her blood to clot in her uterus and they ended up having to do a hysterectomy to basically save her life. So now they have a very sick baby and no hope of ever having another. That’s a lot to take all at once, but it’s a tv show and it’s all about drama right?
Except. Except that I lived through some of that, you know? And watching it was like reliving it in some ways. And it was also like a glimpse into what might have been if we hadn’t been so very very blessed.
I don’t normally like to think about “what might have been” because what is, is and it can’t be changed. So why start thinking about all the “ifs”. But sometimes, thinking about the “ifs” makes you more thankful for the “is”.
So here is the “Is”:
• Little Girl stayed in utero for 32 weeks and change.
• My doctor gave me steroid shots about a week before she came, so her lungs were mature and functioning beautifully.
• She was NOT sick. Not one iota. She was a “feeder/grower” and just needed to learn how to regulate her temperature and eat.
• Yes there was a gush of blood and yes there was a rush to the OR and yes there were some issues in my uterus that my doctor had to take care of before he closed up, but it wasn’t anything that would prevent me from having another baby if we were blessed to get pregnant again.
• Yes I sent Mike off with LG because I wanted one of us with her and if it couldn’t be me then it had to be him.
I think sometimes things really really hit you a long time after they happen. When you have more clarity. When you’ve come so far past it that you can handle the reality check, because you know everything turned out all right. Only then can you truly let go of all the emotions that had been bottled up inside you.
And last night watching ER, I think hope I finally let go of all the scary stuff. I faced the reality that our story could have had an ending that was not as happy or at least happy as quickly as it was.
Little Girl could have been sick. But she wasn’t.
One or both of us could have died when I was gushing blood. But we didn’t.
I think sometimes that is part of what has held me back from actually trying to get pregnant again.
Because we were so very blessed. So blessed. Blessed beyond measure. And how can I ask God for another blessing like that? When other people don’t have even one blessing, how can I ask for two?
I read a post the other day, about someone asking the same question and her answer really struck me. Shouldn’t one miracle be enough, her friend asked (regarding her own blessed child)? And how could you ever look at your child and say he or she is not enough? Her answer was that if it’s that good why wouldn’t you ask for more?
Why indeed.
Last night, I went to my daughter’s bedroom and watched her breathe. I touched her silky soft skin and it was all I could do not to fall to my knees in her room and shout out my thanks to God for her. But I didn’t want to wake her up, so I thanked Him silently.
Last night, I sat in the middle of my bed sobbing. Sobbing for what could have been and sobbing for what was. And thanking God. Thanking Him so much for what IS.
I think that in some strange way a television show and a blog post may have moved me to a better place. Because while she is “enough”, she is so much more than that. She is amazing and wonderful and the best thing that has ever happened to me. And why wouldn’t I want more of that?
I may never have another child, but I’m over feeling guilty about wanting one.
Thank you Lord for our beautiful daughter who is goodness and light and mischief and joy, and if you see fit to bless us with another child, we will welcome her or him with open arms and never think that we don’t deserve your gift. If you think we do, then we do. Amen.
Comment by Theresa
September 22, 2006 @ 10:15 am
Oh dang you woman!! Warn me to bring tissues next time! I know how you have struggled with this issue. I’m so glad you found a resolution. *hugs* Now I need to go blow my nose. ;)
Comment by Marlene
September 22, 2006 @ 12:05 pm
Beautiful! And I get it. Every single time I was pregnant or thinking abut getting pregnant I wondered if we were just tempting fate. We already had 1 or 2 or 3 gorgeous, healthy, amazing children. How could we ask for more? How could we take the chance that something might go wrong since we had already been so beautifully blessed? How could we be so greedy? But looking at our family now? How could we not? I can’t imagine my life without a single one of my kiddos. They are a blessing and a gift and treasures beyond anything else.
Comment by jen
September 22, 2006 @ 10:00 pm
Amen hon. Beautiful.
Comment by OldOldLady Of The Hills
September 23, 2006 @ 4:25 pm
Oh Karin…this is soooo wonderful. So BEAUTIFUL! You really touched my heart with this dear and special post.
I watched ER last night–having taped it and though I have not lived through any of what Abby and Luca “lived through”..I cried like a baby, myself. So, I cannot imagine what this was for you having lived through so very much of it.
Your love and gratitude for your dear little girl is so moving to me….and of course, why wouldn’t you want more….But I admire so your humbleness about this—if it is God’s will…as they say in Yiddish, Mazel Tov! Yes. Either way, you and Mike have been deeply blessed…Thank you so much for this beautiful meaningful post.
Comment by not-so-deep Denise
October 2, 2006 @ 7:11 am
I had two premies myself and when I watched ER it brought it all back. I’m almost afraid to continue to watch - seeing that baby in an open bed is really tough. I remember sooo well sending my hubby into the nursery to watch over our son - so one of us would be there and he wouldn’t be alone. I will say that I was able to let my daughter be alone (with RNs everywhere who were dedicated to her) a little bit. You learn with the 2nd that mommies need daddies more than a 1 week old does.
That being said - they are ALL miracles! They are ALL blessings! Ask God for your blessings! Trust that He will supply all your needs! Trust that every good and perfect gift is from the LORD! Trust the plans He has for you - “plans to give you a hope and a future!”
Congrats on your Perfect Post - that’s why I came over :-)
Comment by Cindi
October 2, 2006 @ 9:24 am
Congrats on the perfect post for September. You truly have written the perfect post.
And you have one perfect little girl out of that story too, that’s the real blessing.
Cindi
Comment by Mysterious Lady
October 2, 2006 @ 9:53 am
What a beautiful post. Of course you want more. I will pray you get it! You are allowed more then one blessing ya know! ((hugs))
Comment by Sonia
October 2, 2006 @ 2:56 pm
What a beautiful post!
Comment by Betty
October 2, 2006 @ 3:13 pm
My name is Betty, and my story has been on ER too. How bizarre. First of all, let me tell you that you truly are blessed and it’s okay to want another baby, you shouldn’t feel guilty about that. When you stop wanting for more or for better that means your depressed and unmotivated! =)
My ER story was the one where John and his girlfriend lost their baby and she didn’t want to hold the baby or even look at it. That story line just PISSED ME OFF, how could she be so cold and unemotional? When my baby was stillborn (cord accident), I wanted nothing more than to try to know her and imagine what could have been. I played out her entire life in a matter of hours. I introduced her to all my family and let everybody try to know her too. She was and is, will alway be, my daughter. She is a constant part of my life and rarely does a day go by that I don’t think about her in some small way. I watched that episode of ER, connecting with their hurt and grief and sorrow the whole way up until the point that she let her baby sit in the room, all alone, in the little bassinet, without even a glance in his direction…then I had to remind myself of 2 things. 1. it’s a t.v. show and 2. not everbody handles grief that same way and that’s okay… That’s how God made us.
Comment by srp
October 2, 2006 @ 8:39 pm
Congratulations on your “Perfect Post”. Naomi was right, it is wonderful.
I only have one child. She was not premature or small. I was blessed. We did have our share of “what if’s” and being a doctor myself the significance was even greater to me. I had induction. Contractions but no progress for two days and some hypertension. My OB and I talked. I remember telling him we could do this for another two weeks and nothing was going to happen so we planned a C-section. Not emergency, but planned. As he delivered her I heard him say “cord around the neck twice, tight.” It hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew God had protected us from a “what if.”
What if - the induction had worked, her head descended and normal delivery attempted……. and I knew the answer…. she would have been in real trouble, emergency c-section and high risk of brain damage or death. It wasn’t anything you could see on ultrasound or know ahead of time.
I was so thankful at that moment and every day since. Thankful that I didn’t have any struggle with the idea of a c-section, that I had always considered it. Thankful that it was planned and not an emergency. Thankful that my OB was an obsessive, grandfatherly, Murphy’s Law type.
I would have liked to have another daughter.. at least most days…. but God blessed me with one. I am at peace with that. God is so good, all the time.
Comment by Shephard
October 3, 2006 @ 12:37 pm
I don’t think God minds being asked for more than one blessing when others seemingly have less blessings.
The tricky part is to remind ourselves that we see others from outside, and we don’t know all the details of their lives, their sitation, or what events need to be in their lives to teach them things. I don’t think it’s that less blessings are dolled out to some people; I personally think our understanding of that situation is incomplete. And there’s nothing wrong with that either. Sounds like you’re a very grateful person, and compassionate enough to care about others who have less. Admirable.
Enjoyed reading your story. :) Lady of the Hills sent me. :)
~S
Comment by Melli
October 3, 2006 @ 5:03 pm
Wow! I can imagine how emotional that show must have made you! I’m so glad that YOUR little girl is healthy and happy and growing up. And I hope that God DOES bless you with another one someday! (if it’s meant to be…)