Getting to the Heart of the Matter
I don’t like to admit when I’m scared. Do any of us? But I’m going to admit to you that I’m scared and why. In my last post, I talked about the dream I had about having another baby. And that in the dream Little Girl was upset and that worried me.
I think, after having exchanged a couple of emails with Theresa, that I finally understand something a little better. I think that I’ve been using Little Girl as an excuse to not admit my real fears about getting pregnant again. It’s much easier to say, “well I don’t want to upset Little Girl or take attention away from her” or “I don’t know if I could love another child as much as I love her” rather than “I’m afraid.”
I am afraid. In fact, I think I’m terrified. I had a really hard pregnancy with Little Girl. I literally hated being pregnant. I loved that I was having a baby. I looked forward to her birth with every fiber of my being, but being pregnant was not something that I enjoyed.
Just a few weeks into the pregnancy I had some bleeding and I was positive that I was miscarrying. There I was, standing in the shower, finally pregnant, after trying for so long and I literally felt like I was watching my hopes and dreams go down the drain. And so when we rushed to the emergency room, I expected them to tell me it was all over. Instead we saw a wiggling, squirming fetus with a strong, beating heart.
I spotted the entire pregnancy. I sort of learned to live with it, but it was still scary. Once she started moving around and kicking and shoving her little foot right into my ribcage, I was more at ease because I had tangible evidence that she was okay. That and the weekly ultrasounds to make sure everything was holding steady in there.
Then I went into pre-term labor and got stuck in the hospital on magnesium sulfate. They told me it might make me feel like I had really bad flu symptoms. But I really didn’t get that side effect at all. No, the side effect that I got (lucky me) was that I thought I was losing my mind. I was a total and complete basket case. I couldn’t stop crying. I totally lost it whenever poor Mike had to leave the hospital and go to work. I was to the point that I just wanted them to get the baby out of there and let me go home, whether she was ready to come out or not. I was losing it. I can’t even express to you how I felt, but I’m sure those of you who have gone through really bad depression probably have some sort of clue. I’ve never really had major issues with depression other than post traumatic stress disorder after I had my heart attack, so it wasn’t something that I was really totally equipped to deal with, especially since I wasn’t expecting it. I know it was the magnesium, because as soon as they got the contractions stabilized and me off that nasty stuff, I started to perk up and feel “normal” again.
So, I guess the bottom line here is that I’m afraid of “being” pregnant again. I’m not really afraid of having another baby. I’m not really afraid of being able to care for two children. I’m not really afraid that Little Girl will not get all the attention she is used to. Those things wouldn’t necessarily be easy, but I think all of us could adapt to them.
I’m just afraid of being pregnant because I didn’t enjoy being pregnant. So, you may be saying, adopt. And, who knows? We might do that at some point. But even with all the fear I’ve just written about, there is still a very big part of me that would like to do it one more time. After all, the first time pregnancy may not have been pleasant, but the outcome has been the light of my life. And maybe this time I won’t hate it so much.
If you got this far, thanks for letting me “think out loud.”
Comment by Marlene
August 16, 2006 @ 10:30 am
I wish I knew what to say to this…I went through that pregnancy with you, at least in spirit!lol!, and I know it was really rough and I don’t blame you one bit for being scared. But the chances of you having the same thing happen are so very small and maybe you need to give your self a good pregnancy memory!
Comment by Caron
August 16, 2006 @ 11:01 am
My heart goes out to you. I know that the decision to have another child was a tough one in general for me, nevermind having to deal with depression and continual spotting throughout.
I’ve lost two children in the past - one at 26 weeks preterm from hydrocephalus and another when she was two-years-old of a seizure disorder. I do, however, have an amazing 15-yr-old daughter and a son that will be arriving in about 5 weeks. I’m 39 years old.
I’m in my second (and final) marriage, and deciding to have a child at my age was a tough one. We had been trying several years ago, but it just wasn’t working. I figured my eggs were poached. I was in undergrad at the time and now I’m in grad school. Something was telling me about a year ago that I needed change in my life - and back in January found that I was pregnant when I hadn’t been trying. I was scared at first. Wondered what the heck I was going to do and how I was going to take care of a child at my age. I’ve had a lot of time to get used to the idea and done quite a bit of nesting between then and now and it’s not so scary anymore. Having a child is a scary prospect - or it should be - because it’s something that needs to be taken seriously. It’s ok to be scared. It’s also ok to ask for help when you need it, too.
Hugs,
Caron
Comment by Shannon
August 16, 2006 @ 5:06 pm
My oldest two are only 14 months apart. It wasn’t planned that way but that’s how it happened. I worried through that whole pregnancy if I was up to the job of taking care of two babies at once, and all the other questions, would I love the new baby as much, would my oldest feel left out.
Then my daughter came early and all those fears went away when I realized I would have a preemie at home to deal with and didn’t have time to worry.
It took some time and just doing things but I soon learned how to hold my oldest while I nursed the baby and many other things.
That’s not really advice and I don’t have any for you, I’m sorry. Just a story from what I’ve dealt with.
I hated pregnancy for the most part too. I loved having my babies but the 24 hour morning sickness that lasted nine months I could have done without! There were other things to but the throwing up every day was the worst.
Comment by Theresa
August 16, 2006 @ 5:53 pm
You’ll figure it out. I have faith. :)
Comment by MDV
August 16, 2006 @ 6:45 pm
Put your fears away, and go to Jesus as a child…trusting fully. If you’re meant to have another baby, you’ll get pregnant…and no baby is cause for fear…only L-O-V-E! Hugs and Kisses, K! Lots of Hugs and Kisses!
Comment by Melany
August 17, 2006 @ 6:58 am
Good for you for being so honest. My thinking is that you are only pregnant for 9 months. Then you have a CHILD. The gift of your own child is just so much bigger than 9 months of real discomfort/unhappiness/what ever lol can’t think of more words.
Comment by buffi
August 17, 2006 @ 9:51 pm
You will do what is right for you and your family. I know yo well enough to know that you don’t make rash decisions and your faith will carry you through whatever comes your way.
**smooches**