It’s official, because if my husband notices it and/or agrees with me when I say it, then it must be pretty obvious, because he can be fairly clueless about these things. But, there it is. Using his words, I’m in a funk.

I can attribute it to a LOT of things, but not one of them is postpartum depression, so don’t even go there. In fact, if it wasn’t for the baby, I may have lost my mind already.

So yeah, there’s the weight I’ve gained since I had the baby. Yep you read that right. The weight I’ve GAINED. I had taken off a ton of my pregnancy weight, and then one thing led to another, including the heart thing and the fact that we had to eat fast food for two weeks because of the kitchen being torn apart, and I’ve put weight on. The worst part is that right before I got pregnant, I was in fantastic shape. I was heading for a six pack for gosh sakes. I was working out every day, running, eating right. Things were great. And then I got pregnant. And that would have been fine, because I planned to keep working out and eating lovely healthy foods all the way through my pregnancy. However, I had complications from almost the beginning and my doctor said to limit my activity. And then there was the awful horrible nausea that lasted 24/7 and way past the first trimester and made me eat whatever I could get down which was not always the most healthy thing in the world. But I had to eat right? Still I was lucky and all the weight I gained went to the tummy, so even though I felt HUGE, from behind you still couldn’t really tell I was pregnant for most of the pregnancy. So that’s one thing. I’m really really down about all the weight coming back and about being back where I started when I started losing weight in the first place. That sucks.

And this may seem like a really small thing, but it’s shot my self confidence to hell, so it’s not a small thing to me. You know that whole “mask of pregnancy” thing? Well, I still have it. And this makes me so want to cry. It really embarrasses me, because my skin has always been a point of pride to me. I never had major skin problems, and I’ve always taken really good care of it, and even when I was pregnant, I took good care of it, and still I have these stupid blotchy spots and I. HATE. THEM.

Then there’s the whole heart thing. I think that’s self-explanatory.

And there’s the insurance thing where my COBRA is running out at the end of November and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get insurance. And that makes me madder than I can even begin to explain here. So mad I don’t even want to type about it right now. Maybe another day I’ll rant on that one. And besides the part where I get really angry, every time I try to be positive about it, my husband gets really negative and says I’m not going to get on his insurance, they’re not going to take me and so on and really that’s oh so helpful dear. That gives me so much hope and confidence. Not.

And then there’s the fact that I haven’t been out of the state since two summers ago and half of that vacation was spent in excruciating pain because of the stupid car accident I was in. I’m hoping the upcoming trip to San Diego we have planned will help a bit in at least that area of funkdom.

I also suppose that it’s possible that the medication I’m still taking is contributing to my blues, but not a lot I can do about that at this moment.

Anyway, to all those who know me in “real life”, just take this into account and be patient with me. I’m struggling right now. I know I’ll get through it, because all these things will work themselves out sooner or later and the ones I have control of I can start doing something about. In fact, I’ve been trying much harder to eat better, but I’ve still got work to do to get myself back on the wagon and back in the workout mode. The heat doesn’t help. Who wants to work out when it’s 150 degrees outside? :P But it won’t stay hot forever. I have faith the insurance will work itself out. I really do. I am already starting to feel better, but it will take time. And vacation is coming soon. In the meantime, you may find me wallowing in self pity. And well, sometimes you just need to do that you know?

And to those of you who don’t know me in “real life”? Thank you for letting me bare my soul. It’s all out there now. Everything that I hate about myself and my life at the moment. Aren’t you glad you visited? :P