Over the years I've met several people that I first came in contact with over the internet. I've been quite careful with the people that I've chosen to meet, usually meeting people who someone I know has already met or whatever. I know there are always stories about crazy internet stalker type people, but honestly those are the exception and not the rule. I have never met one person in "real life" from the internet that hasn't been a really cool person. So I actually really enjoy it and look forward to seeing people in person that I've only seen pictures of, read their words or messages, or in some cases maybe seen on the webcam.

Anyway, the point of all this is that one of those people known to me from the internet from her blog happened to be in town this week and stopped by to visit. I have to say it was especially welcomed right now when my days are pretty much the same thing over and over unless I "get" to go out to the doctor's office. So not only did I get to meet a really neat person, but I got a break from the norm which I so desperately need.

I only wish we could have had longer to talk but she's on to the next town that she is visiting. So, thank you new friend for driving all over town trying to find my house. :D And thanks for the great chat and I sure hope we get a chance to meet again soon. And thanks for brightening my day. :)

http://www.azcentral.com/community/gilbert/articles/0929gr-heliumZ12.html

So these girls inhaled helium to talk funny. Like every other kid on the planet earth has done when they've had access to helium. So they get suspended????????????? Give me a break. If the school was so worried about them inhaling helium, why did they have access to it in the first place? On top of that, if they had access to it, why were they not informed what the repercussions would be if they inhaled it? I mean, come on, this is totally ridiculous. The latest is that the district now thinks they "overreacted". DUH. Sometimes you just want to slap people, don't you?

We went to the perinatologist's office today for another ultrasound to check on how things were going. I am actually less stressed than the last time, even though the news is not necessarily good - it's also not necessarily bad.

The placenta is still covering the cervix, but they are not so concerned with that because they feel as the uterus grows it will sort itself out. The placenta doesn't actually move, but the uterus grows down so the cervix should move away from the placenta.

The main concern is that the clot is covering part of the placenta, so they cannot tell if the entire placenta is functioning properly. So what this could mean is that at some point, the baby may stop growing. At the moment, she is growing just fine, but IF the entire placenta is not functioning, as she gets bigger she may not get the nutrients she needs to continue to grow. At that point, they would have to decide whether she would be better off staying in or coming out early. On the other hand, the placenta may be fine and the baby may go full term with no issues. So right now we are looking at a lot of what ifs.

Next Tuesday she will hit 24 weeks and at that stage, babies have a 50/50 chance of survival and the doctor says she will make that with no problems. He is more concerned about a few weeks down the road, say 28-30 weeks. Of course, every week (even every DAY) that she stays in there, she has a better chance of survival. She already weighs 1 pound, 3 ounces. If she makes 2 pounds, her chances go up even more, and girls have a higher rate of survival than boys.

So, although it's a little scary right now, there are a lot of positives to look at as well. And the most important thing is to stay focused on the positive, pray, and remain calm. I have dreamed of her a few times and every dream has shown a strong, healthy baby. I have to hold on to that thought and believe that whatever happens will work out. So please keep our little baby girl in your positive thoughts and prayers and we'll get through!

Only a week or two ago, I said I would be sooooo happy when I could feel the baby kicking on a regular basis because then I would worry less about whether or not she is okay.

Well, I'm definitely worrying less. I'm also resting less. It seems that if she DOES sleep it is certainly not when I'm trying to rest!

She is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, her father's daughter.

But hey, it's okay, we're at 22 weeks today. Therefore, in 15 weeks we will be considered full-term. Week by week, we'll get there.

I often wonder if I will ever be able to get through September 11th without crying. Someday when my little girl asks me if I remember that day, will I be able to recount it stoically as my parents did December 7, 1941? Of course, there was a difference. My parents were children in 1941, although it was my father's 14th birthday the day Pearl Harbor was attacked. It was probably the most horrific thing any of them had ever faced, but there are big differences. After all, there was a war going on even though we were not directly involved at the time, and the targets were military.

September 11th was just another day. A quiet sunny Tuesday and the world was not at war. The World Trade Center was not a military target. It was full of civilians - many of them foreigners just doing their jobs or sightseeing. And everything about it was beyond shocking…it was worse than any of us could have imagined.<lj-cut>

There are, of course, so many things I remember about that day. So many things I doubt I will ever be able to forget. The images of those smoking buildings are forever burned in my consciousness - I see them as vividly today as I did that day on live television. The knowledge of not only those who were in the building and not able to get out, but those who went in to try and rescue others, knowing that they probably wouldn't make it out. The world truly saw what heroes are that day. They are not action stars or politicians or athletes. They are simply men and women doing their jobs, risking their lives on a daily basis so that others might be kept safe. They are passengers on an airplane willing to die if it means that no one else will be hurt or an important symbol of our country will not be damaged. They are people desperately trying to get out of a burning building taking time to help others get out as well even if it slows their progress down. They are just people who went to work one day thinking they would be back with their families in a few hours having to find a way to say goodbye. And they are those who left no stone unturned just in case someone had survived even as the days passed and hope grew dimmer and dimmer that they would find anyone else alive.

The thing I remember most about that day and the days to come is that for awhile - if only a little while - our country was as united as I had ever seen in my life. The entire Senate stood on the steps and sang "God Bless America". Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Independents all had only one goal in mind and that was to stand together and bring America to her feet again to stand tall and proud. Flags were everywhere - flying from people's homes, their cars, on their desks, and worn on their clothes. We weren't men and women, black and white, Catholic and Protestant. We were simply Americans. We had been attacked and just as any family does when attacked from an outside source, we stood together as one.

But that was three years ago. Today the country is as divided as I ever remember seeing it in my lifetime. Now we are again siblings fighting amongst ourselves even while we are still threatened from without. This divisiveness is detestable. And I will not and cannot blame it on one person, one party, one action, one belief. No, this divisiveness comes from both sides of the aisle. The Democrats are to blame just as much as the Republicans are. And it needs to stop. In no way am I suggesting we put down our beliefs and support the president no matter what. I only want the negativity and the mud-slinging and never-ending fighting to end. This country is based on the freedom to speak our minds and that should never EVER be taken away. However, there comes a point when we need to work together and not against each other. Certainly both sides have good points and they should be listened to. Campaigning in the past 15 years or so has gotten nastier and nastier and that is NOT what it should be about. Whether our Commander in Chief is Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, whatever, he is our president. That is not to say we have to agree with everything he does or says or every decision he makes. But this anger and vitriol has got to end. There are better ways to disagree than what has been going on.

The bottom line here is that there are threats not only to our lives but to our basic way of life and we need to take them seriously and find a way to take care of it in a way that both sides can agree on. We are the UNITED States and though we may not always agree, we need to be united or we will fall - no matter who the president is.

It seems lately that so many sad things happen in September. I can only think of one really good thing since 2001 and that is the birth of my goddaughter the day after 9/11. And this year there should be another birth to celebrate in our family any day now - Mike's cousin's wife is due on the 12th. That is the happiness. But there is so much sadness as well. I will reflect on September 11 tomorrow. First I need to reflect on something that happened here in town yesterday.<lj-cut>

The story that you never want to hear led the news yesterday. A 4 month old baby was left in a car for 3 1/2 hours in well over 100 degree heat. They estimate that the temperature in the car got to 120-140 degrees before the baby was rescued. It's a story heard way too many times and so needless, but who has not been terrified that it might happen to them? The thing that makes this story different for me is that I know the mother who left the baby in the car.

She is a wonderful person. Full of life, bubbly…always happy and enthusiastic. As a teenager she sang in the choir Mike and I directed a few years back. We did music for her wedding only 3 years ago. I actually wasn't even aware that she had a baby as we hadn't communicated in quite awhile.

But there was the news. At first, I didn't realize it was someone I knew. The name sounded familiar but as it was her married name it didn't ring a bell. I saw a distant shot on the news of her husband and he looked familiar as well, but I didn't know him that well so it still didn't click. Then talking to a friend on the phone this morning, I was given the news that it was indeed the person I watched grow from a teen to a married woman.

What happened? Apparently she normally dropped the baby off at daycare in the morning on her way to work, but for some reason she forgot yesterday morning. She got to work (maybe she was running late and harried I don't know) and forgot the baby was in the car. Her memory was jogged when talking to her husband on the phone 3 1/2 hours later. She rushed to the car to get her baby who was unresponsive. CPR was given, paramedics were called and the baby was rushed to the hospital. The baby's temperature was 109 degrees. Of course the hospital personnel worked to save the baby doing everything they possibly could, but to no avail. The baby died in the wee hours of the morning.

I can only begin to imagine what my friend must be going through. Only 27 years old. To have to live with that for the rest of her life. Yes it was a horrible horrible accident, but the bottom line is, she must live with the fact that it was her fault and no one else's. Forever. Some have called her a murderer. No. Absolutely not. Murder is deliberate and often premeditated. There is no way I could ever believe that to be true. This was a mistake. A horrific terrible mistake, but a mistake. And who among us never makes a mistake? This one was just more costly than most of ours are.

How do you get past something like this? How does your marriage survive? I know that you would want to be able to forgive and hopefully her husband will be able to, but how does it not come between you? How does it not follow your every footstep, every thought, for the rest of your life?

My greatest fear is that something like that will happen to me when I'm a mom. We all get harried and forget. My husband says he has no worries at all because I'm totally paranoid about our DOGS, much less about our babies, but the fear lurks. This tiny little helpless life in your hands. And one small mistake, one error in judgment, one moment of forgetfulness or distraction can cost you everything.

For my friend, I wish her peace and the ability to deal with and accept that some things just happen and there is nothing we can do but go forward and try to make the best of it. So very very very sad.

The bleed is still there. However, the baby is doing great and measuring perfectly at 20 weeks 2 days. I have to keep taking it easy. They want to keep a close watch on everything and if I have more than 4 contractions in an hour, I need to talk to the doctor's office. Having contractions is not unusual during 2nd and 3rd trimester, but if there are a lot, then I need to let them know. So relief on the baby front, but stress on the placenta front. Drama, drama, drama. I have to keep resting and do lots of praying! The number one priority is the little munchkin. Period.

The nursery will be painted sage green and LAVENDER.

Yay!

I didn't get much sleep last night because I was alternately excited, nervous and jittery. Why? Today is ultrasound day and the day we find out what sex the baby is. I have specific and special reasons for preferring one sex over the other, but of course, the bottom line is that we want a healthy baby regardless.

So, now I'm trying to prepare myself for the news that the baby is the sex I am not hoping for. I still feel very strongly that baby is a particular sex and have felt that since before I got pregnant and it has only grown stronger as the days have passed. However, no matter how sure we are on things, there are always doubts and when you get closer to making decisions or hearing results, your mind really really works on you.

So just to see if you are paying attention dear readers, I will not announce the sex in the usual way at first. I will either tell you sage green and lavender or sage green and blue. Those are the color choices for the nursery depending on the sex of the baby.

Stay tuned.

I'm watching my soap opera today and it's at a REALLY good part - a flashback to one of the super couples as the male mourns the female's death. And what happens? They interrupt my soap opera to bring us a press conference with Bill Clinton's doctors to tell us he's okay after his heart surgery. Ummm….is this really big enough news to interrupt a television show? Would not a scrawl along the bottom of the screen have been just as effective since it's going to be replayed over and over on the news tonight anyway? MAYBE if it was a sitting president it would have been newsworthy enough to interrupt a television show. And CERTAINLY if he had died or something that would have been newsworthy. But good grief, I don't really need to hear the stupid press conference live. Leave my soap opera ALONE!

Oh, as a side note one of his surgeons is a Bush supporter. I find that rather amusing.

I was speaking to my almost 3 year old goddaughter last night after church (she is an excellent conversationalist by the way) when another adult came up and started talking to me.

Those of us who have been around children for any length of time are pretty used to kids interrupting when we are talking to adults which is rude in itself, but they are kids and don't always think. On the other hand, how is it any less rude for an adult to interrupt another adult talking to a child? To be fair, I honestly don't think this adult was trying to be rude. On the contrary, she was congratulating me on the pregnancy, however, it put me in an awkward position. Shall I be rude to my goddaughter (who actually probably wouldn't notice rudeness being so young) or rude to another adult? I tried to do justice to both conversations at once, but that's fairly impossible, and I'm afraid I may have come off as rude to the other adult, which I didn't mean to do. But, I think children deserve adults being polite to them as much as adults deserve children to be polite to adults.

Okay, that's all. I feel much better now.

Disclaimer: Before I go into this journal entry, I must say that in no way am I not so thankful for this baby or this pregnancy. I know how many people out there are not able to conceive and how horribly hard that is to deal with having been there for quite a few years myself. We were lucky and I do not take that for granted. That being said…here is the ugly truth that I think no one ever voices.<lj-cut>

Some women love being pregnant. They deal with all the difficulties well if they have them, and there are lucky women who don't have any difficulties at all. More power to all of them.

For me, being pregnant has been very very hard, and I'm just going to say it: not at all enjoyable physically. It's been tough emotionally and mentally as well. There have certainly been moments that help get me through - those ultrasounds: seeing the heartbeat and the baby move; hearing the heartbeat on the doppler; feeling the baby move; planning the future.

There is something that happens to some women during pregnancy that is not discussed very much - maybe it's a stigma or they feel guilty because they are supposed to be happy, but the truth is some women have depression during their pregnancy. Luckily mine has not been deep and terrible, but it certainly has been there - for many reasons.

A trip to the ER jolted me out of my self-pity enough to at least make me strive to remain calm and not get so emotionally stressed out that I have physical issues. I thought I had gone into atrial flutter a week ago Thursday because my heartbeat was irregular, but luckily it was just "regular palpitations" and "nothing to worry about." Although I don't quite remember regular palpitations ever lasting for hours and hours and hours. The ER doctor asked if I had been under emotional stress lately, and when I replied yes (I had basically spent the last two days crying my eyes out), he said that can cause the heart to palpitate. Okay, big moment of truth for Karin at that statement. Either I can keep wallowing or I can force myself to calm down and stay on an even keel. So far I've been doing pretty well, and hopefully I'll be able to keep it up, because the very last thing I would ever want to do is cause the baby any problems because of MY emotional mess.

So why was I crying for two days? Quite a few reasons. It just all seemed to catch up with me for some reason.
*There was the subchorionic hemorrhage which is scary even though baby is totally oblivious and at last view doing perfectly fine despite sharing space with a blood clot.
*There was the part about staying on low activity for - let's see - three months now with no end in sight. It's hard to go from someone who was working out practically every day and running at least three times a week if not more to a sedentary life. That would cause depression in most anyone because of the loss of endorphins.
*And although I know that weight gain comes with pregnancy, it's hard to go from being in the best shape I'd been in YEARS to putting on weight weight weight. Thankfully, most of it has gone straight to the tummy, and nowhere else, but all I can think about is how hard I was working just to START getting a six-pack and how much work I'm going to have to do after the baby comes to get rid of it. Call me vain, but it's hard to see hard work go away you know? I'll get there again somehow. (My goal is that by age 40 I will be in the best shape I've been in my life.) Let's see…what else?
*There is the fact that I haven't felt really okay since the beginning of June. It's hard to not feel well all the time. And I keep wondering if it will ever end. Sometimes I wonder if I will EVER feel good again even after the baby comes. *sigh*
*Oh yes, and the real kicker. I miss my mom more than I've ever missed her since she has been gone. You see, my mom went through 7 miscarriages, a premature birth that didn't make it and even complications with me that led to bedrest. While I've had nowhere near those problems, I know that my mom of all people in the world would understand. Honestly, I don't think I could have done what she did and gone through what she went through to get a baby. So I know beyond a shadow of a doubt how much I was wanted and how much I was loved. I can see it now more than ever. But that doesn't help me miss her any less. I have wonderful fantastic terrific friends who listen and help as best they can. I have a good family - both my extended family and especially my husband's who love me and care and think about me. But none of them have gone through what I'm going through. So basically the one person who would understand the most is gone. That is unbelievably hard. And by itself, may be somewhat bearable, but combined with everything else, is almost more than I can take.

However, I am strong and I will survive and get through and the trophy at the end of the race will be bigger and better than any I've ever won because it will be my baby. So I try to focus on the end result, but it's not always easy to do so. So, if you know me personally, know that I try - really really try - to focus on the end, but when the end is five months away and the days seem to crawl by, please understand that it is not always easy to do so.

So, the ugly truth is that I am not enjoying being pregnant. There it is in black and white. I can't make it pretty and sugar-coat it. It just is. It does not make me a bad person. It makes me an honest person that I can write it down and admit it. I hope and pray every day that things will get better. That I will start to feel better, that the blood clot will go away and I will be able to do more, that feeling that first and subsequent kicks will give me an energy and happiness boost that I need, that the ultrasound coming next week will be so unbelievably awe-inspiring that it lifts me out of the doldrums for good (or at least for awhile), that time moves a little more quickly, and that I find a way to cope with not having my mom.

One thing all of these things have made me feel very strongly about is this: I will do everything in my power to be around when my baby has his or her first baby. Therefore, I make the commitment (when pregnancy is over) to get myself back in shape, eat healthy, and do whatever it takes to stick around for a long long time. That is my solemn vow.

Right now it feels a bit like the world is passing me by. I am told to rest and not do much, so here I sit in the house resting and not doing much partially because I don't really feel like doing much, watching way too much television, practically giving myself carpal tunnel syndrome from playing too many games on the computer, and taking a lot of naps.

I am so accustomed to going to work every day and just going all the time. I obviously had breaks from school but those were filled with rushing to get things done that I didn't have time to do when I was at work every day. Now I have all this time, but because I'm told to rest and not do much, I still can't get a lot done.

In the meantime, my poor husband is working so many hours so that I can have the luxury of being home and not having to worry about bringing in money. We try to make the little time we have together quality time, but it's hard sometimes you know?

And I hear all my friends and family members talking about doing this and that and going here and there while I barely get out of the house to go to the doctor's office.

Don't get me wrong, I'm blessed to be having this baby, but it's a hard thing to sit back and wait and feel like my life is on hold. At least it is for me. I always felt before I was moving forward. Yes, I'm still moving forward in a way, but now it is at a snail's pace. Week by week, day by day, minute by minute. That's tough for an impatient person like me. January sometimes feels like an eternity away.

So right now life feels like it is passing me by and I'm barely involved in it other than the gestating I'm doing here at home.

I am certain that things will change after the baby is here. I will get my energy back, get back in shape, learn how to be a mommy, and move on to the next great adventures in my life, not the least of which is raising a child. But for me there has to be more. I've had 37 years of living for me, and I don't imagine I will be able to stop that entirely. I will learn how to juggle it all together. I will. I will have my darling baby, my wonderful husband, and something in my life that brings me joy that is just for me. Because that is who I am. And although I cannot be that person right now, I will be again. That is a promise.

Why is it I do my very best writing when I'm just waking up, but it's all composed in my head and then if I try to get it down on paper, it's already disappeared into the ether? I bet that if I could write all the stuff down that my brain composes at those times, I'd be rich and famous by now.

Somehow it just doesn't seem fair.

I sat down here at the desk to put on makeup. Instead I started looking on the internet. When I finished that, I was halfway down the hall before I remembered that I was supposed to be putting on makeup!

I hope my brain cells come back after the baby gets here.

And I hope at some point I remember what the actual point of this entry was supposed to be when I started typing it.

Oh, and I still haven't put on the makeup.

Argh!