Well, the first day of the rest of my life may have gone slightly better had I not been home sick the day before with stomach flu. But it was okay. I was just weak and tired and nauseous all day. The kids were all there, so that was nice. And, Mike came after school at 11 to help me (well he did most of the hard work actually) get the room packed up and ready for summer. I had to take all my junk home. It is amazing how much STUFF you can fit into one little classroom. Wow! Anyway, I am officially unemployed. No more alarm going off at 4:45 a.m. No more papers to grade, parent/teacher conferences, substitute plans, meetings. I am looking forward to it. I will be a substitute instead next year, and I am going to look into tutoring, and a few other things I have up my sleeve. I will keep you all posted. Thanks for all your encouragement and good wishes. Change is good. Scary sometimes, but always good.

Well, this is it folks. The American Idol will be "crowned" tomorrow night. Here's how it went down tonight… <lj-cut>

<b>Diana</b>
<i>I Believe</i> She sounded a bit nervous at the beginning to me. It's awfully hard to sing softly when you have adrenaline coursing through your body, trust me. Therefore, once she got to the louder power parts she did a lot better. Not quite as polished as I am used to hearing her, but some great moments.

<i>Enough Is Enough</i> POWER and as the judges said - with this song, she came to win.

<i>Don't Cry Out Loud</i> There was a bad bobble in the middle, but overall it was awesome.

<b>Fantasia</b>
<i>All My Life</i> (at least that's what I think it was called) I couldn't understand her words - I literally thought she was scatting at first. I did NOT like this song at all. Too many yeah yeahs and not enough lyrics. Blech.

<i>Summertime</i> This was one of her best songs of the whole competition when she originally sang it, but I have to say I liked her original performance much much better. It was much more emotionally gripping. Tonight, I just honestly didn't care.

<i>I Believe</i> I'll start with the negative - Fantasia has the same little affectations she does over and over again. She relies on them and they are starting to get old to me. And could she end ONE frigging song without the yeah thing? HOWEVER, moving into the positive - this song was perfect for her. She has that gospel background and that was exactly the style that it needed. Had she left out the affectations and yeah yeahs it would have been perfect.

<b>My conclusions:</b>
Diana had a great performance, a great performance, and a great performance with one screw-up. Fantasia had a yucky performance, a good performance and an awesome performance.

Going by that, I would say Diana deserves to win. And I like her the best. But, I also have to say that Fantasia held up better under the pressure. So my vote goes to Diana, but….

<b>My Prediction:</b>
This is a toughie. I will predict Fantasia will win. But I will not be surprised if Diana does. They will both get recording contracts and become enormously successful at least for awhile. Fantasia I think is a niche artist, but Diana will be an artist that will be able to sing in most any genre.

Can't wait to see what America thinks!

I forgot to mention this the other day because I got distracted by other things, but Randy Johnson pitched only the 17th perfect game in major league history this week. Not bad for 40. Go Randy go!

My period was late. I had been spotting for about two weeks. And my temperatures were staying in the high range which was weird for me. My temp was usually around 97.0 - 97.5 and it was hanging around 97.9 - 98.5. I couldn't quite figure that out. Anyway, when I put my temp in the chart on the website the message said: You have had 18 days of high temperature readings. You may be pregnant. Please test now! So, on the way home from work I stopped and got a pregnancy test figuring it would be negative like all the rest but also figuring I should check it out. I came home, went to the bathroom, peed on the stick and watched. The first weird thing was that when it scanned past the test window I saw the outline of the line - I'd never seen THAT before. Hmmm I thought. Then as I sat there watching it the control line came up and the other line came up at first faintly. I kept staring at it because the bathroom was fairly dark and I thought I might be seeing something, but it got darker and darker and that's when I started screaming "OH MY GOD" over and over again.

Then I called Mike on the phone. I said "I'm pregnant." He said "You're what? You're pregnant?" I apologized for telling him on the phone but said I couldn't wait to tell other people and he had to be the first to know. Then I called Marlene. She didn't answer, so I left her a message. "I'm calling you on the phone. That should tell you what this is about." Then I called Fergus. "You're going to be an uncle." He was half asleep so he didn't quite get it at first. Then I messaged Neal and Bob. Then I wrote a journal entry and Margo called me later after she had read it.

5 weeks pregnant and I didn't even know it. I thought it was a possibility, but after so may disappointments I just decided to wait and see.

I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I'm thrilled and excited that it's finally happened. On the other hand, I'm kind of depressed that I'm going to gain weight right when I was really getting myself into tip top condition. And all the freedom I gained from quitting my job is now gone again.

It's a weird dichotomy. And definitely something I will have to get used to. I still don't know quite how I feel, but hey…there's nothing I can do about it now! Just go for it. Take it and run with it. This is what life has dealt me. Scary!!!! But exciting at the same time. I bet when I hold baby in my arms in January, all my doubts will melt away.

So, sometimes in life you really really want something and you don't get it and you don't get it and you think you'll never get it. Then something else happens and you think well maybe I don't want it as much as I thought I did and you think you could be content maybe never getting the thing if that's what is meant to be. Then out of the blue you get the thing. It's handed to you on a silver platter so to speak. And guess what? All kinds of weird emotions go through you. Mostly though you're just very happy you finally got the thing. And you can't wait to get the thing all the way. But you're scared of the thing at the same time.

Is this confusing? Well, you'll just have to stay tuned to find out what thing I'm talking about. :)

The first day I ran 1/10 of a mile in non-running shoes. The second day I ran 1/10 + half the distance back in non-running shoes. The third & fourth day I did 2/10 in my new running shoes. So today (day 5) I decided I was going for 3/10 (mind you it was 95 degrees at the time, although the sun WAS going down and there was a breeze, so it wasn't too bad). I ran down the street, made the turn, ran back, made the turn, ran back to the end (3/10) thinking maybe I could do a little more than 3/10. So I thought go for it. And made the turn at the end of the road. Besides, running (okay in my case it's more jogging) gets you back faster than walking. :D About 1/3 of the way I was determined I would not give up. Halfway back I pushed harder and harder. 2/3 of the way back there was no WAY I was giving up. So I made it. I thought I was going to pass out walking into the house, but I made it! And before you scoff at 4/10 of a mile keep in mind I've NEVER run in my life! Yay for me!

Record industry mogul Clive Davis was the special guest judge. This was not a theme week, though. Instead, each contestant sang three songs: one chosen by the contestant, one chosen by a judge, and one chosen by Clive Davis. There were mixed results. <lj-cut>

1a. <b>Jasmine</b> <i>Saving All My Love for You</i> - The song is too old for her for one thing. It was an okay performance but not memorable.

2a. <b>Fantasia</b> <i>Chain of Fools</i> - Too much flowery stuff, but much better than Jasmine.

3a. <b>Diana</b> <i>Ain't No Mountain High Enough</i> - She sounded a little off tonight, but got better as she got more into the song.

1b. <b>Jasmine</b> <i>Mr. Melody</i> - chosen by Paula - She was under pitch on the low notes. She really should not be in the Top 3.

2b. <b>Fantasia</b> <i>Fool in Love</i> - chosen by Simon - Great choice for her. She really nailed it and made it her own.

3b. <b>Diana</b> <i>Because You Loved Me</i> - chosen by Randy - Still not herself. I think this should have been a good song for her though. She has the pipes for it.

1c. <b>Jasmine</b> <i>All By Myself</i> - She cannot dig into the low notes at all - much too breathy.

2c. <b>Fantasia</b> <i>The Greatest Love of All</i> - Not as good as her other two performances of the night. I think this was too rangy for her, and I did not like the vibrato at the end.

3c. <b>Diana</b> <i>Don't Cry Out Loud</i> - This song had a beautiful delicate beginning. It was the perfect song for her. She soared.

<b>My ranking:</b>

1. Fantasia (overall the best night)
2. Diana (but the best performance of the night was hers on the last song)
3. Jasmine (not even in their league)

<b>My prediction:</b>

Who knows? Jasmine is a sweet young girl, but it is a crime that she is still in this competition and LaToya and George and maybe even Jennifer are gone. If she makes it to the final two, it will make a travesty of the whole competition, because really I truly believe the best two singers of the competition were the first two chosen for it: Fantasia and Diana. That is all.

Words that have come out of Karin's mouth in the past:

<i>"I will NEVER take up running. I hate running."</i>

<i>"I can't run - I'm too bouncy."</i>

<i>"Running is boring."</I>

<i>"I will never be into all that fitness stuff. I just want to get into shape, but I don't actually LIKE working out."</i>
<lj-cut>

Events that have occurred in the past two days:

1. Saturday morning I woke up at 4 after having a dream about running and actually contemplated going out for a run. I went back to sleep instead.

2. When I did finally get up, I put on my sneakers, my sports bra, my tank top, and my workout shorts and ran from our gate to the end of the road (500 ft or 1/10 of a mile) and power walked back. I was dying by the end of the road and my calves were killing me, but I liked it for some unknown reason.

3. Sunday morning, I got up and went for a run all by myself. This time I made it all the way to the end and halfway back (750 ft). This time, my calves felt okay but my shins were screaming.

4. When I got up, I had the brilliant idea (from where it came from I have no idea) for Mike to put a pull up bar in the house. He thought it was a great idea too and got his fix it mind in gear.

5. Later on Sunday morning, I went to the shoe store and bought a pair of running shoes. When I got home and put them on, then tried them out, I finally realized why I have hated running all these years. Wearing real running shoes, you can't even feel your feet touch the ground…they just spring up. The only way you know there is contact is because you hear the slap of the sole on the pavement. They felt awesome and I can't wait to use them tomorrow.

6. Mike got the pull up bar installed. Karin is not able to do pull ups as yet because there is no way I could bench press my own weight yet, but I will! I will. :)

And in general, I have gone from dreading my workout every day to looking forward to it. Now that is certainly a step in the right direction.

I have taken control of the aspects of my life that I can and I am the better for it. And might I say, I look pretty darn good in the process. :)

I am even contemplating training for a triathlon. Of course, I have to learn how to swim first. Minor details. And nothing that I cannot do if I set my mind to it. :)

God gives us a little nudge in the right direction, and we say…nonono…wait a minute , I'm not ready for this yet! So, then He gives us a swift kick in the rear, and we realize it's time to change course. See below for more on that!

So I had planned to go back to work next year at my school in a part-time capacity. I knew that I probably wouldn't get insurance coverage next year, even though I asked for it, but I assumed that since I <i>was</i> coming back and not leaving totally I would at least be covered over the summer. Well, you know what they say about assumptions.<lj-cut> Karin's insurance will be cut off as of May 31. Isn't that lovely? I went to talk to the business manager along with my principal who is TRYING to help me in this situation by the way, and business manager says…no no no. Karin, you are well aware that when someone leaves they lose their insurance. Yes, I'm aware of that, but I'm NOT leaving. Well, it doesn't matter because once you are not full time you are no longer eligible for benefits. So I sat down and talked with him for a bit. I say things about how I've been there since the beginning and that I'm just wanting them to cover the two months of summer. Nope, policy states…and….that would be precedent setting…and you are not eligible for benefits. I even asked if they would just deduct the whole cost from my paycheck. Nope. You are not eligible for benefits. How is it a benefit if I'm paying for it? I think it's about the almighty dollar and that as usual as I've seen in the 6 years I've worked at that school, they have no compassion for anyone at all. It's disgusting if you ask me. I put a LOT into that school…I helped make it what it is today and this is how they repay me? I mean I COULD have just signed my contract, therefore getting coverage for the summer months, then quit. But no, I wanted to be honest - to have integrity - and what happens? THEY have no integrity. Well fine then, I no longer owe them my loyalty, and come May 28 I will no longer be an employee of that school except as a substitute for next year.

At first I was upset, stressed, crying, emotional. But then after all that wore off, the underlying emotion that was left was….relief. And you know what? I feel liberated. I feel like I can do whatever I want to do now. I am free to pursue any opportunities that are thrown my way whatever they may be. I have my COBRA coverage for 18 months and though it costs me $250 a month, I guess that is the price of freedom. So, yes, May 28 will be the first day of the rest of my life. I never - even when I was going to college to learn to be a teacher - saw myself in that job for 20-30-40 years. I always figured I would do something else at some point. Move on to other things. I've been teaching almost 10 years now, and I'm a good teacher, some might even say a VERY good teacher, but I know there is even more I can do to make a difference in the world, and that is what I'm going to do.

So goodbye shackles of the daily grind and routine. Karin is about to break free and soar. You just watch me.

The Disco ball was out this week and the Disco Diva herself - Donna Summer - was a guest judge. The final four ladies pulled out their disco duds, their dance moves, and their vocal chops to give us a great week of music…<lj-cut>

1a. <b>Jasmine</b> <i>Everlasting Love</i> - I thought it was a good song for her, but she was breathy and pitchy throughout.

2a. <b>LaToya</b> <i>Love You Inside and Out</i> - I didn't really like the song, but she did a good job. She can sing pretty much anything.

3a. <b>Fantasia</b> <i>Knock on Wood</i> - Great song for her. One word for Fantasia - WOW!

4a. <b>Diana</b> <i>This Time I Know It's for Real</i> - A little pitchy at times, but she got better as the song went on. I didn't love the song, but she has grown SO much.

1b. <b>Jasmine</b> <i>It's Raining Men</i> - I love this song and parts of it were nice, but it's too rangy for her and she is just not Top 3 material.

2b. <b>LaToya</b> <i>Don't Leave Me This Way</i> - I wish she would have chosen different songs, but she was classy as always.

3b. <b>Fantasia</b> <i>Holding Out for a Hero</i> - She sounded good but it was a weird song to pick.

4b. <b>Diana</b> <i>Enough Is Enough</i> - She really shined tonight. She is a STAR. She was blow away and it was her night.

<b>My ranking:</b>

1. Diana
2. Fantasia
3. LaToya
4. Jasmine

<b>My prediction:</b>

I think LaToya will be in the bottom two with Jasmine, only because I just wasn't excited by her songs and I don't think America will be either. Diana and Fantasia were much more interesting. But, it is time for Jasmine to go. She is outclassed and she knew it.

Last week was Teacher Appreciation Week, and I sat down to write my student teacher now neighbor teacher a poem to cheer her up for the last few weeks of school. Out came the following: <lj-cut>

<center><b>You Are Appreciated</b>

We're happy
Back at work
Shining faces are a must
Welcome back it's August

They listen
They work
They even seem to remember
Of course they do, it's only September

The leaves fall
Kids are learning
The hot summer's over
This is why we love October!

Now turkey
And stuffing
Their heads are stuffed too
No wonder November is wonderful too!

Holidays coming
The kids are excited
They're harder to handle
And December burns both ends of the candle

It's winter
It's cold
The kids come back restrained
In January we think they are trained

Hearts and flowers
Valentines
We still do love our job
February seems our stress to rob

Now we're tired
Conferences
Our patience has been parched
Oh no, it's only March!

Cute little bunnies
Standardized tests
We're getting through the hours
This must be what they mean by April showers.

The kids are nuts
Making us insane
We're counting down the days
Thank goodness it's finally May

Peace and quiet
Summertime
Vacation is our tune
Teachers really do deserve the wonderful month of June

Independence
Is what we have
But strange - those little ones we miss
July is long although time off is definitely bliss

The moral of our story is
Our job can be a pain
But you know we love - we really love
Putting knowledge in little brains

The end result
Is worth it all
And shining faces eager
Whey they say to you "you are the very best teacher."</center>

This week featured probably my most beloved genre of music - Big Band, so I was slightly apprehensive about what they might do to my songs given some of them have a penchant for twiddling about with the tune…but I was pleasantly surprised. <lj-cut>

1. <b>Diana</b>
<i>Someone to Watch Over Me</i> - She sounded a little breathy on this one, but a good job.
<i>Get Happy</i> - Judy Garland is one of my all time favorite performers, so anything by her I love. Diana did it justice. She really has the right kind of voice for this type of music.

2. <b>George</b>
<i>Cheek to Cheek</i> - Good song for him…you couldn't hear the gospel influence at all in this song. Very true to the style.
<i>What a Wonderful World</i> - Great choice - he has such richness in his voice!

3. <b>LaToya</b>
<i>Too Close for Comfort</i> - She can do anything - this was a great song choice.
<i>Don't Rain on My Parade</i> - LaToya is so versatile, but this genre really really suits her. She was AWESOME!

4. <b>Jasmine</b>
<i>The Way You Look Tonight</i> - She was a bit pitchy for me. This is not a good style for her voice at all. She didn't stick to the style like the first three did.
<i>It's Almost Like Being in Love</i> - She is outclassed by the rest. Her voice on this song was too gravelly and scratchy in places. And I HATED the jeans. It's Big Band - dress the part.

5. <b>Fantasia</b>
<i>Crazy Little Thing Called Love</i> - I did NOT like this song done Big Band style. It didn't work for me, and I hated the last note.
<i>What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life</i> - Too much vibrato, but a good performance. I felt like Fantasia was singing Jazz as opposed to Big Band. Yes, I know Big Band is part of Jazz, but I meant a more modern style of Jazz rather than the old fashioned Big Band sound.

<b>My ranking:</b>

1. LaToya
2. Diana
3. George
4. Fantasia
5. Jasmine

<b>My prediction:</b>

Well, I predict that Jasmine and George will be the bottom two and Jasmine will go home. If LaToya makes the bottom two, the voters need to see a psychiatrist.

I got in contact with an old friend that I haven't talked to in about 15 years. And it seems we just started right from where we left off. It's nice to have friends like that. It's too bad that so much time had to pass between contact, but maybe there was a very good reason for that. Nonetheless, I've always seemed to be blessed by finding people that I get along with so well that I can go for long periods of time between talking and still be able to pick up and take off on the next phase of a friendship. Who knows how long the contact will last this time? I hope for awhile, but in the meantime, I will enjoy the conversation. :-)

In some parallel universe, I married my first real boyfriend Jeff, and in another I married Trevor, and in another I married Brian, and in still another I may have even married Syndromes! ;-) I wonder what course my life would have taken in this universe had I gone down a different path than I have. <lj-cut>

I was talking to my cousin tonight, who mentioned an old friend, which made me think of another old friend, which in turn made me think of that first boyfriend, and I had to go see if I could find the box that contained the letters that he had written to me almost 20 years ago. I did find it, and I reread those letters after I don't know how many years. They were sweet, respectful, passionate, loving, and oh so complimentary. Yes, it is actually true that someone found me beautiful, intelligent, attractive, even sexy at age 18. Wow. I think I really needed to be reminded of that right about now. It felt good. Pleasant memories.

Somewhere in between then and now I had forgotten that there were actually boys swarming around me, chasing after me, wanting my attention and my company - thinking I was pretty, funny, and smart. Somewhere in between then and now, my confidence was lost. I can piece together how and why, but it's not something I really want to go into at the moment. And it wasn't anything that anyone did deliberately or to be hurtful or cruel. It was just slowly eroded over the years so that I didn't even realize it until tonight. I forgot about that 18 year old girl that was flirty yet shy, vivacious yet intellectual. Somewhere inside of me she still lives and manages to find her way out now and then.

I don't think that she was ever fully aware of the effect she had on men. But as I sat here looking at a box full of letters from young man after young man, I realized with the 20/20 vision of backward looking that guys just do not take the time to write letters to girls whom they have no interest in whatsoever. So, judging from the number of different guys I had letters from, it is safe to assume that I had a number of admirers.

How did I forget that? What made me bury those memories for so long? Because as I sat here reading, so many things came flooding back to me.

It's not as if I am not happy with my life as it is right now. It's just that I have never been fully content for whatever reason. So that is something that I am determined to work on from this moment forward. Finding contentment in some way, shape, or form. I don't exactly know what form it will take, but I know it is attainable and therefore I know I will find it. Why? Because that 18 year old girl turned down all those men all those many years ago for some reason. She knew they would not make her content. She didn't know what would, but she knew there was something out there for her. I owe it to her to figure out what it is. So I will. As I said in my last post:

BRING IT ON!