So we come to the end of another year - usually a time first of reflection and second of looking forward, so I suppose I shall not break with tradition!

2003 had a lot of difficult times for me:

*health worries including a lump being removed that turned out to be benign, and a heart thing
*a major car accident
*continued strain with my father
*father's diagnosis with cancer
*more failed attempts at conception
*political issues at church

However, there were some very high points in my life this year as well:

*moving into the new house…finally
*health worries turning out to be nothing to worry about at all
*two fun trips to England
*momentous decisions about the rest of my life

I'm sure I'm missing something somewhere, but I think even though there were some definite low points to this year, on the whole the positives do outweigh the negatives.

Looking forward to 2004, I will stay focused on the positive. So what do I think will happen in the coming year? Good question. Here are my predictions:

We will have a baby or at least be well on the way to having one by the end of 2004. There are just too many things pointing in that direction to make me believe it isn't going to finally happen. I have every faith and hope that it will indeed.

I will embark on a new and successful career doing something that I really like, instead of something that I sorta like some days and don't like so much others.

Our house will continue to evolve into the place we want it to be. Hey! We have interior doors now, so we are making our baby steps!

I will get my weight back down to where it was before the car accident and even better. (Perhaps since pregnancy may be a factor this year, I should just call it body shape instead of weight?)

Those are the things that I am focused on and want the most, so I will stop at that.

I predict 2004 will have its down times as well. There always have to be sad times, but….I see so many positive things on the horizon that I don't even want to thing about those things for the time being. We will deal with them as they come.

One thing is for sure. I love my husband more every day, and I am very lucky to have him. I think I'll keep him. :-) And seeing our family finally expand is a very exciting thought!!! Whether this month was the lucky time, or next month will be, or even the next month, it WILL happen.

As for all of you - friends, loved ones, and those who I don't even know, I hope you get what you want out of the new year. Godspeed and Happy New Year!

Now I'm off to watch Dick Clark do his thang. Good night!

Okay, if this is PMS, this is the worst PMS I have ever had in my entire life. Because one minute I'm fine, the next I feel like I'm going to cry, the next I'm totally pissed off at someone, then back to happy, then back to crying. It's nuts. I suppose it could be totally due to the progesterone. I'd like to think it may be something else. Poor Mike is thinking…9 months?????? Argh!!!!!

Anyway, the clock is ticking slowly. The worst part is the waiting until there is an answer and the dread every time I get up in the morning to use the bathroom. All right, I'm sure that's just way too much information. So I'll stop now.

Why do I have the feeling that my life is about to change forever? :-)

I refuse to be politically correct. It often feels like Christians are the most discriminated against people in the universe, but this is not a political debate, so I will leave it at that.

Mostly I wanted to tell all of you out there who bother to read this to have a wonderful holiday season no matter which holidays you do or do not celebrate.

I have been lucky enough to feel surrounded by love today and that is a good feeling. I hope all of you feel the same.

Tomorrow we embark on our annual pilgrimage to “Our Lady of All Sales”.

I hope the rest of the year is wonderful for you and next year is even better.

I'm laughing as I sit here at the dining room table typing on a borrowed laptop as hubby and friend run upstairs to the balcony for a photo op of a spectacular Sonoran sunset.

Yeah, we may not have white Christmases, but there are some things that just cannot compare with the desert. I wouldn't trade it.

Life is good.

It's funny how things happen sometimes.

Just the other day I was saying to a friend of mine that I was trying to take control of things in my life. I realized that I didn't have control of my relationship with my father, only my reaction to it. I made a choice to let go. It is a choice that I am content with.

At the same time I said, I DO have control over having a baby. It may not be biological, but I will have a baby one way or another. And perhaps just saying that and realizing it made a difference.

More….

I had purchased a fertility monitor and had yet to see it actually tell me that I was about to ovulate. I thought perhaps it had to do with the accident and all of that but it was bothering me. However, Saturday morning, the third bar finally darkened meaning the monitor was telling me I was going to ovulate within the next 24-36 hours. How did I react to that news? I burst into tears. Mike said, if you're crying now over ovulation, what are you going to do if you get pregnant? Cry harder was the response!

Now the really funny part of all this is that on Friday Mike went with me to school to help with my winter party and the kids were telling me I needed to have a baby. When asked why, they replied that I was too bored. Then later in the day a parent of a former student asked me if we were pregnant yet. On Saturday afternoon, Mike went to get his hair cut and the stylist (who is also MY stylist) told Mike his Christmas with for us was to conceive. All of this was “out of the blue” so to speak, so it was quite interesting. The on Sunday at church, the readings happened to focus on Mary and Elizabeth and their respective pregnancies. Interesting…very interesting.

Coincidence? Maybe, but as I've said before I don't believe in coincidence, especially when my yearly OB/GYN visit happened to be scheduled for today (and that's been scheduled for awhile). She will be doing some blood tests and getting me on progesterone posthaste to make sure that if there IS a little zygote in there, she (or he) stays in there.

In the meantime? I'm more positive and hopeful about than I have ever been. I have a good feeling. I hope I am not disappointed, but I think maybe this time I won't be. Either way, we are on the way to making sure that conception DOES happen in the next few months by way of blood tests to check everything out. So, dear readers, I will let you know. Sooner or later. You will know. And I? I am smiling. Inside and out.

Happy Thursday morning to me?

I'm making a left hand turn (to go west) with the green arrow onto the freeway access road on my way to work this morning. Some idiot at a stop light going south decides its his turn to go even if he has been STOPPED and is still at a RED light. I, of course, put on my brakes to avoid hitting idiot, but the guy behind me, not expecting me to stop in the middle of my turn, rear ends me. Really it was just a fender bender and he was very nice and apologetic, and I wasn't really hurt, but at some point you begin to wonder if your karma is just not working right now. *sigh*

Who knows? Maybe it will lead to bigger and better things. And, given the choice between hitting the other guy and most likely still getting rear-ended, I would choose just getting rear-ended.

At any rate, I'll be very happy to see 2003 go bye-bye and 2004 make its appearance. I have a feeling it will be a banner year.

I am disgusted and angry with my father and his bitch of a wife.

I do know where he is now…more on that later.

My aunt called me Sunday and told me that cancer woman had finally picked up the phone. She told my aunt that my father did not have a phone in his room which I suppose could be true, but I tend to believe that there were phones somewhere in the facility that patients could use. My aunt asked if he would like cards, and that disgusting excuse for a human being told her yes, to send them to the house and she would deliver them. No way would she tell my aunt where he was because of course my aunt would tell ME and we can't have that now can we? His daughter knowing where he is?

Anyway, aunt calls again tonight to tell me that he is home. Got home yesterday, in fact. No, he didn't call her. She called the church and asked their minister and HE told her. She asked my dad if he had called me yet and he made some excuse about not knowing the number (Mike had left him a business card with all his numbers when he was in the hospital and we watched him put it in his wallet), so she offered to call me and he agreed to that.

Of course, I'm sure he can't be left alone so how could he call me? He only calls me when SHE is not there. I am angry, disgusted, and ready to tell him that he is out of my life for good if this is how he is going to treat me.

I have done nothing at all to deserve this treatment save ignore that nasty bag of bones he is married to. Gee, forgive me for being more concerned with grieving my mother's death than whether or not my father's new wife was welcomed to the family.

Do I sound a little bitter? Well, I am. Angry, bitter, disgusted, and ready to forget I even have a father anymore. I have the rest of my family who love me and I love, Mike's family who are great, and friends I adore. I do not need that wretched excuse for a parent and his paramour in my life at all. The end.

There are plenty of things in my life right now that suck, however, there are plenty of good things, too, and sometimes when things are bad it helps to remind ourselves of what is right with the world. To that end, here are the things that I am thankful for in no particular order:

Mike
My house
My dogs and glucosamine
My friends
God
My car
My job
My class this year because they are so awesome
Memories of Mom
Being alive
Did I mention my friends?
My extended family
Mike's family
Did I mention Mike?
New beginnings
My gifts and talents
People who listen to me
Baseball
Being able to decorate for Christmas this year
Books
And, the biggie:
Freedom

Friend to Karin: There are some very unpleasant people walking around and I am sure they are so full of self-righteousness.

Karin to friend: Of course they are, but right and self-righteous are usually exactly the opposite.