My father was supposed to have been moved to an extended care facility at the end of last week. I assume he has. However, since neither he nor the nasty woman he is married to has bothered to share that information with us. So, I have no idea where my father even is.

Mike called their house and left a message. No response.

He called another day. The phone was picked up and immediately put back down.

My aunt has called and left numerous messages and none of them have been returned. So basically, she has totally cut him off from his family.

However, I cannot lay the entire blame at her feet. He is perfectly capable of picking up the telephone and calling or at worst having one of the nurses do it for him.

So, I refuse to go hunting him down. If he wants to contact me, he can. I'm just tired of the whole big mess.

His birthday is coming, though, so I will mail a card to his house and inside I will write that I would have been to visit him had I known where he was.

*sigh* What did I do to deserve this? :-(

Life comes and goes and changes with the seasons. We live. We die. We make changes. We stay the same. But still it goes on and on. An endless circle.

Sometimes we die slowly. We get a disease. We get old. Our bodies deteriorate and wither away.

Sometimes it is over in a split-second. A car comes from nowhere. A gun shot. An accident.

We can never know how it will happen. We can only try to live our lives as if the next moment will be the last, for what good is it to live life carefully? What do we gain? Maybe a few more days or years or hours. Maybe not. In the end, we will all die, one way or another.

I'm not sure which is easier. Having to watch a loved one suffer pain, but being able to say goodbye one last time. Or knowing that it was over quickly and they didn't suffer, but no chance to say farewell.

I guess the lesson here is that we should always say goodbye in a way that we will not regret if it is indeed the last goodbye. I will do that with my father every time I leave him because I don't know when the end will come, just that it will.

Other people that I have loved or cared about, I have not had the chance to say that one last goodbye. For one of them, I have to say it here.

Goodbye, Rick. You were a good man. You will be missed.

Rick Felix 1946 - 2003

My father has cancer. And not just inside his body. He is also married to one.

He went into the hospital last week to get a pacemaker put in. In the course of tests to do with that, they found a mass on his colon and had to go in and remove part of it. It is malignant, and they think it may have already spread to his lungs, but they can't test that until he has recovered a bit from today's surgery. But I think that knowing that my father could die from cancer is easier to deal with than the other cancer.

Mike called the hospital today to check on him and was put through to his room. Cancer-woman answered. Paraphrased version of the conversation to follow:

Mike: I called to check on Billy. How is he doing?
Cancer-woman: Poorly.
Mike: Will you call us and let us know if anything changes?
Cancer-woman: No. [that was not paraphrased]
Mike: Why not?
Cancer-woman: (after a pause) You are going to be soooo sorry you weren't here.
Mike: Why is that?
Cancer-woman: click

Yes truly that is what happened. When Mike told me I got so angry I was shaking.

However, she may have TRIED to keep me from getting information, but in the end I got it. Would you like to know how? You may think me devious. I think she deserves what she gets.

I had a friend pose as a friend of my cousin and call asking for information on her behalf. It worked. She was suspicious by her tone of voice, but nonetheless, she spilled the details.

I will also be calling the nurses' station later to follow up. But, bottom line? I think she thought that she could have power over me by withholding information, but really one can only have power over another person if they give it to them. And I will not do that. She will not “win”. But, I fear the one who will really lose is my father. All because of a vindictive nasty old bitch who has a vendetta against me and Mike for reasons unknown to anyone but herself. I can't pretend to understand her motives, but I can make sure that I do not let her “win” by either keeping me in the dark and forcing me to beg her for information (not going to happen - already dealt with) or keeping us away from my father. But, it will all be on my terms and not on hers. She will not dictate my actions. And I think, in the end, she will be exposed for what she is.

One thing I know for certain. If my mom were here? She'd get in her face and tell her off. I'm going to channel my mom's spirit, and when the time is right…watch out cancer-woman.

I suppose you're wondering (if you've read this far) how I'm dealing with all of this. Well, at the moment, I'm angry, so that is holding the other emotions at bay for a bit. They will be dealt with all in good time.

Mike and I decided this year to make a new rehearsal CD for children's Christmas choir to replace the old rehearsal tape we made years ago. That was to be worked on today. Last night, I was playing around with application sharing with my friend in England. As we got ready to record our songs for the rehearsal CD into my computer (knowing that Mike would have to run back and forth to start and stop the recorder for each song), I had the brilliant idea that my friend in England could take control of my computer from his and act as engineer. It worked brilliantly. Mike was able to just sit at the piano and my friend worked the controls. We were able to hook up headphones and use a voice chat program to communicate with him as we recorded. So, we are making a rehearsal CD recorded in Phoenix via London. I just love that we can do that! Technology is soooo cool. :)

You know, a lot of people told me that I would go through a period of anger with my mother when she died. I really didn't back then, but there are times now that I feel angry at the situation that her death has left me in. I think to myself, “Mom, why did you have to die and let all this stuff with my father happen?” Well, of course I know the answer, and I'm really not angry with her. I'm just angry at the situation.

So now there is this drama going on with my dad. He is in the hospital and going to have surgery Wednesday. And he wants me to come and see him. But I don't want to go. There are many reasons for this. And there are reasons why I should go and probably will. But I will have to talk about them tomorrow because I'm really tired.

I'm not going to be a teacher after this year. Of this I am as certain as I can possibly be. I have embarked on my journey to find a job that I can wake up in the morning and look forward to. What is that you ask? Well, I am planning to be a voiceover artist. I've already sent off resumes, pictures, and cds to two local agencies and we will see what happens with that. I also have some other contacts that I'm going to work on as well. Want a taste of some of the stuff I've done? Okay!
clip 1
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Aren't you glad you asked?

It's strange how new information can change your perspective on things. Take my issues with my father, which have been discussed in this very journal many times.

The latest was that my birthday came - the fourth birthday without my mother - and no phone call from father…AGAIN. A few days later an email saying happy belated and that he had lost his password so that's why he didn't email me on time. Ummm…do you have a phone?

Then the other day, he called Mike to tell him he was getting a pacemaker. Mike basically cut him off and said call your daughter and tell HER when she gets home from work tonight. Of course, he didn't…

Until tonight. And now? Now I have a whole different perspective due to a conversation I had with my father tonight. He called me while she was gone. But the information I got was not really information I wanted. It made me feel like the person in the movies that is standing under a trap door and has rotten fish dropped on top of their head.

Basically, I think the woman my father is married to is mentally ill. And I'm worried. He was telling me the reason he is getting the pacemaker is because he can barely walk across the room without running out of breath. This does not surprise me because he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure years ago. But she says he doesn't need a pacemaker. He listens to the doctors too much and they don't know what they are talking about. That he's lazy because all he does is sit or lay around (wouldn't you if you couldn't catch your breath?). And so on. She goes on a rampage if he mentions my name. She threw away his cell phone after he had had it turned off because he couldn't afford the bill anymore. And she constantly unplugs his computer and messes around with the files on it trying to keep it from working right, I guess. There is more, but I feel that my father is being mentally abused.

I told him to leave, and that he could come here and stay with us, but he “wants his own home” and neither of them can afford that on their own.

So now I'm in a quandary. What do I do? Suggestions are welcomed. I think I will do one thing that was suggested by a very good friend and call social services to see what they have to say about it all.

Perspective can be a blessing or a curse, I suppose. In this case, it may end up being good, but those were not the things I wanted to hear.