Sooo….today is the day of the biopsies. And I'm nervous and relieved at the same time. Of course, I'll still have to wait at least 3 days for the results, but at least I'll know that this time there will be an answer, whether good or bad.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday, and I suppose I can think of that as a blessing rather than a hardship. I went to the cemetery, as it is one of the two days I go there each year without fail (the other being Mother's Day), and sat and had a good long talk with my mom. And it helped, I think. I know she is with me and will be with me no matter what. It's still hard to not have her physically here with me, but…well that is just something I have to deal with. My mom would have been 72 yesterday. Strange to think of that. I think in my mind she will be eternally about 50 years old or so…that's when I remember her the most healthy and out and about and doing things I guess. She was never really terribly healthy, but she was still able to get out and do things then, so I like to remember her that way. I still hear her voice…I hope I never lose that.

So, I'm going off to the hospital in an hour or so…and I truly believe that things will be okay. Even if the results of the biopsies are not exactly what I want. But no matter what, I will be okay. I believe it.

I think sometimes the only thing that makes Christmas bearable for me is being able to sing. It's not so much that I love Christmas music, but that I love to sing, and on Christmas I get to sing a song each year that is dear to my heart, and I did that once again. So, singing is the thing, I think. There are times when the only thing that can make me happy is to sing. And singing almost invariably brings me joy, and luckily it brings joy to those who hear me. If you'd like to hear a recording of the song from 1999, then click here.

Eek! I can't believe how long it's been. Too much stuff going on right now in my little life and I'm trying to deal with it the best I can, and for once writing about it is not something I necessarily want to do. Here's the deal: I went for the second mammogram/ultrasound and it also came back inconclusive, so I had to make an appointment with a surgeon to figure out the next step. That was Tuesday. Mike went me, the sweetie, even though the house is taking every moment of his time because it's coming to the point of hopefully moving in the next two weeks (December 21 is probably unrealistic, but soon thereafter we hope). Anyway, there are nodules in both breasts they are concerned enough about that they want to take a closer look, so I will have needle biopsies on both breasts on December 27. Yes, there's probably nothing to worry about, and they are being extra cautious, blah, blah, blah. But that's easy for everyone else to say. They are my breasts and this is my body that could perhaps have been invaded by some insidious disease. Well, I'm sorry, but that's just a little hard to take. And I don't think that any other part of my body would have been as difficult as this except maybe anything that has to do with child-bearing. There is something about breasts that gives me my womanhood…that sets me apart…(I'm speaking generally here). And even though I know they don't do radical mastectomies very often anymore, still…it's frightening. I'm scared.

On Monday night before I went in to the doctor's appointment the next day, I sobbed my eyes out to someone on the other side of the ocean because he was there and I needed someone. The issue? Well, besides the whole fear of what was going to happen kind of thing, the big thing was I missed my mom so terribly terribly much. I think I missed her more that night than I have since she died, and that is saying a LOT. Somehow she would have made me feel better. I at least would have known someone was there. Yes, I know that I have a TON of people there for me…but not one of them is my mom. One of my students the other day started crying and saying she wanted her mom. And I wanted to sit down with her and cry and say the same thing. I want my mommy. This is the first time since she died that I've actually been angry she wasn't around. Where are you, Mom, when I need you the most? Well, I know the answer. She is in my heart. And I know she was there.

So then Tuesday after I got back from the doctor, I was very very down all day. Just scared and depressed and feeling on the verge of tears every moment. But, then I was listening to an internet radio station and the DJ played “Bring on the Rain” by JoDee Messina. And I realived once again how powerful music can be. Of all the songs in the world, it was the one I needed to hear the most.

 
Artist Jo Dee Messina
Album Burn
Song Bring On The Rain

(Duet with Tim McGraw)
(Billy Montana/Helen Darling)
Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war ('cause)
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

~~~

Tomorrow's another day. I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead. Sometimes it seems the hard times circle round. Yep, all very true right now. When life throws you lemons, make lemonade right?

I'll make it through. I will. Bring on the rain.

So my office is now BLUE. VERY VERY BLUE. :) But I think it will work well because there are so many windows and so much light in there that it doesn't look dark at all. It's octagonal in shape with a tab if that makes any sense. Anyway, a LOT of walls. I painted the bottom 2/3 of the walls. Mike did the ceiling and most of the top 1/3. It was really hard work…took us about 5 or 6 hours. I was so exhausted when we were finished and today I'm tired and sore. But I worked my butt off and that is a good feeling. :)