I guess I just haven't felt much like posting this week. Not that I haven't had a lot to say…just haven't felt like sitting down and writing it out. It's been a tough week, to say the least, in many ways.

Got another call from my stepgrandmother saying that I must not have gotten her messages since I hadn't called her back…of course I had gotten the messages, just hadn't had a chance to call her back yet. So I felt bad about that. She also said that my grandfather is not doing well, so I assume a trip to Texas is imminent, although of course I have no idea when it will have to happen. And I don't know if I'll be going to Houston where he is right now, or to Amarillo where he will be buried with my grandmother. Either way I'm sure I don't really have to worry about a place to stay as I'll probably be able to stay with my cousins in a hotel or with my cousins in one of their homes. Anyway, this is all weighing heavily on me right now, and there is, of course, not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it. So I shouldn't worry, but it's my nature and I do.

I took Friday off for my aunt's funeral which was Friday afternoon. I decided Friday morning that I would get some things done that I haven't had a chance to do. For instance, making an appointment for the mammogram my OB/GYN wants me to get. I went in for my yearly exam on the 18th and she said she felt no masses, but that my breasts were lumpy, so I'm getting a baseline mammogram (I assume that means it is for future comparison). She didn't seem very concerned, so I am not too concerned either…just precautionary. Anyway, I sat down Friday morning to make the appointment. 45 minutes later, I finally had one. I HATE my insurance company. Bleh. The positive thing, I guess, is that the first facilities I called (which wouldn't take my insurance) didn't have any appointments until February(!), but the place I finally got the appointment will take me in two weeks. That is good, because I want it over with and not weighing on my mind along with everything else.

Then I tried to call tech support for my printer/scanner/copier on which only the printer works at the present time. “Your estimated wait time is less than 5 minutes.” After 17 minutes, I gave up and decided to try on Saturday. :-P

Next on the list was figuring out what to wear for the funeral. My family is notorious for not being the best dressers in the world…hahaha, so I didn't want to be overdressed, but neither did I want to be underdressed, so I wore my black faux-suede pantsuit. My family has not seen me since I lost weight, so even though it was a funeral, I wanted to look good, you know? And my husband informed me that I did indeed look good in the pantsuit. :-)

So we get to the cemetery at 1 which is the time my cousin told me the funeral was. However, we couldn't find anything anywhere, so we went to the office and they told us, no it's 2 p.m. *sigh* Okay, well, silly to go all the way home, so we grabbed a bite to eat and went to the bank, then back to the cemetery. I wanted to visit my mom's grave, but there was a funeral right next to it, so I decided to leave the people in peace, and instead we went to my grandparents' graves. At this particular cemetery, there are about 12 family members (now 13) buried. Anyway, we walked over there and as we were walking back saw some of my family beginning to arrive. Lots of hugs and hellos and how are yous from cousin to cousin, aunt to niece, and so on. Then we see my father and that woman he is married to arrive. I decide that, no, I'm not going up to him. He is the one that is the rejector as my friend says, and so he can come up to me. And so I just make my way around speaking to my family members. Finally, dad comes over to say hello and says, “I didn't recognize you!” Ummm….yeah. You're my father, and you don't recognize me???? My cousins that rarely see me recognized me! My cousin-in-law that hasn't seen me in how many zillion years recognized me and even noticed I'd lost weight from the reunion photos last summer! Whatever. Anyway, we had the ceremony and it was nice, although it was congregational singing, and I was glad I was there to sing, and I'll just leave it at that. After the funeral, father's wife's sister and brother-in-law came up to speak to me. I've known them all my life as he married my parents, she sang at the wedding, and their son was one of my best friends growing up. Brother-in-law says, “Hello, Karin. I'd have recognized you anywhere. You haven't changed a bit.” I took that as a dig at my father's earlier comment that he didn't recognize me, as they've never exactly gotten along all that well, but nonetheless, in some strange way it made me feel better. And I appreciated that they took the time to talk to me even though there is ice between me and her sister. Of course, father's wife didn't even acknowledge my presence, which is just fine with me thank you.

Then we went to my cousin's house for a get-together afterwards, and my father was there (alone…does this surprise anyone?). My aunt lectured me telling me that I need to make an effort so that I don't regret anything in the future. I was a little irritated and told her that it's NOT ME, and I HAVE made an effort. *sigh* Anyway, it was nice visiting with cousins. I did actually sit down and talk to my father for a little bit and tell him about my vacation in DC. Then, the big news to me was that my little cousin has the same congenital heart defect that I had. One of my aunts, her son, me and now my cousin's grandson (1st cousin twice removed if you're counting) have had it. It is truly a hereditary genetic problem. It runs in families. And it's an issue that I've had to deal with concerning my own desire to be a parent. However, there are less invasive ways to repair the defect now then there were when I was a child and had to have open heart surgery. Open heart is still an option, but there is also the option of a catheter. Anyway, it blew me away because I wasn't expecting it. It would be very interesting to me to know how this travels within families…whether there is a pattern or if it's just random. Anyway, now I have a bond with the little fellow that I didn't expect to have, and to be honest, I wish I didn't. But I will be there for them when they need me. His father is a little in denial, I fear, and thinks that perhaps prayer will repair it. So, my response to him was that God expects you to help yourself, and I'm very glad that my parents chose surgery, because I wouldn't be here today if they didn't. And I'm healthy and strong and have had no problems concerning that issue since my cardiologist released me in my childhood. Thank God there are medical procedures that can repair this and make life normal for those of us who have the problem. And I say, take advantage of them. If you truly believe in God and prayer, then hasn't He already answered the prayer by providing the ability to repair the damage? That is what I think, anyway.

Well, that was my Friday. It was rather emotionally draining in many ways. I'm glad it's over. Now I have to deal with my grandfather. And life. It goes on, doesn't it?

The police did their work it seems and the sniper is apparently in custody. I just hope they have the right guy. I'm pretty sure they do, but we'll have to wait and see. I'm so relieved for my loved ones in the area, and now I can stop worrying so much. Thank goodness. Life can go on.

In other news, my aunt's funeral is tomorrow, and my grandfather is not doing well, so we'll see when I have to take off for Texas. What a week. What a month. Wow.

I guess it's true that bad news comes in clusters. Yesterday evening when I got home, I found a message on the answering machine saying one of my aunts had passed away. She's been ill for a very long time, so it wasn't a huge surprise, but, the timing was I guess. I was expecting bad news about my grandfather, but not my aunt. She's been in Missouri the past few years, but she will be buried here in Phoenix.

On the message, my aunt had told me that I should call my father, which I really didn't want to do, but I know how upset he gets about this stuff, so like a good little daughter, I called. However, my cousin had already called him, so my efforts were pointless. And let me tell you, that the conversation was just short and terse. I think the next time anything happens, I'll call my aunt back and have her call him. Anyway, funeral is on Friday, and I'm not looking forward to dealing with him and that woman, but I have to suck it up and do it I guess. So think good thoughts for me if you will.

what do you do? How do you handle it? Do you let yourself wallow in sadness? Or do you try and suck it up and enjoy your day? I don't know the answer. All I know is that my stepgrandmother called and left us a message while we were out that said my only surviving grandparent is going on hospice on Monday. So, the end is near for him. He's all the way in Texas, so I don't know how I would get to him. And I don't know if I should try, because really I can only make one trip out there, and I doubt he would recognize me or know I was there. I'm trying to decide if I should do that, or if I should go for the funeral and be there for my cousins who have lost both their parents already. I'm thinking that being there for my cousins is the right answer. I don't know, though, if there really is a right answer. I wish…what do I wish? I wish I could have seen him before he got so bad he wouldn't recognize me? Of course. I wish that he had lived closer so I could see him more often? Of course. I wish that I had realized at a younger age how important he was to me? Absolutely. I wish that my mom was around to help me deal with this? Positively. But now, they will be together…the little family…my grandparents, my uncle, my mom. Reunited. So…only me and my cousins will be left. His granddaughters. The four of us. What do I do? What do I say? I don't know. I just know it's a lot to take in today. But I have to. It's part of being an adult, right? You have to deal with losing people you love. So, I will sit back and remember all the happy times I spent with him, and send him thoughts of love across the miles. I have a feeling he will know that I'm thinking of him. And he knows that my mom and my uncle and my grandmother are waiting for him, so he needs to let go. That's what I told my mom. Just let go. We'll be all right. We will. Won't we?

I've never quite understood what one is supposed to feel on one's birthday after one gets past a certain age. I mean, when you're a kid, there's the anticipation of gifts and parties and all of that. When you're a teenager, there is always something to look forward to - at 16, getting your driver's license, at 18, being a legal adult and able to vote, and then at 21, being totally legal and able to drink. But after that, what is there to really look forward to? And how am I supposed to feel?

Sometimes, I think birthdays are depressing, because you can sit and look at what you've not accomplished in your life that you wanted to. So, I guess I could do that today if I so chose. But, I don't want to be depressed, so instead of looking at what I haven't done, I'm going to focus on what I have done.

36 years ago today, I was born, and were my parents happy or what? They'd waited a long time for me, and I was finally here. And so, yes, there are things that I would have liked to have had happen by now…maybe have a PhD or a baby or have made a million dollars. Well, none of those things have happened, but does that mean I've not accomplished anything in my life? No way! Especially this year, when I've really taken control of my life and made things happen…some good, some bad…but at least I'm the one in control. I lost weight, I got in shape, I changed my eating habits, and all for the better. I have more confidence in myself, I feel more independent, and I feel more worthwhile in many ways.

I have short term goals and long term goals again, and they feel fairly reachable. I believe that I can accomplish a lot of things if I put my mind to it. Now in other ways, things in my life are a ball of confusion, but that's okay. We must have challenges, right? And, it's not like I have to have it all figured out by tomorrow. Nope. I have time. I'm still very young, as one of my friends likes to tell me. :-)
So I will cope and work it all out sooner or later.

I feel at age 36, more attractive than I've ever felt in my life. You may say that feeling attractive is not a necessary thing, and that is true, BUT…that feeling has given me more confidence, and to me that IS a necessary thing. I don't look 36. I don't feel 36. Well, who knows? Maybe I do. I've never been 36, so I don't know what it's supposed to feel like really, now do I? But my point is, that I feel terrific! I DON'T feel old. I feel young and vibrant and alive. That is the positive thing. And the really positive thing is that I've got a little wisdom and experience to go along with it.

So, I may have been dreading this birthday a year ago. But now I embrace it. Because really, age is just a number. It makes no difference. It is how you feel on the inside that matters. And I feel young and alive. And I plan to keep that feeling. 26, 36, 46…doesn't really matter. What matters is that I'm finally figuring out how to be comfortable in my own skin. It's taken awhile, and there is still a long way to go, but the main thing is that I'm getting there.

So, happy birthday to me. I'm smiling today. :-)

Since the main purpose of this trip was to visit friends, I can't be disappointed that I didn't get to do more touristy stuff. However, I have determined that the next time I get the opportunity to go to DC, I need to spend a week or two at LEAST in order to do all the things I really want to do after the brief excursion I had this week.

Anyway, I was really lucky and got nonstop flights both there and back, so instead of 7 or 8 hours of travelling, I only had to contend with 4, which when your trip is a quick one to begin with is much more tolerable.

I got in Tuesday evening and rushed to catch the hotel shuttle, which I did manage to do and was very grateful for, because it only runs every hour, and if I would have missed it, I would have had to entertain myself at the airport for an hour, which is NOT a fun thing to do. Got to the hotel, checked in, and went to my room. I was really bored, so I actually unpacked. Why do you unpack for 48 hours? I don't know, but it killed some time anyway. I went down to the hotel restaurant for dinner and it was good but expensive. I felt very independent to be having dinner on my own in a restaurant…something I don't do very often if ever. Then went back to my suite (yes, yes, a suite…woohoo!), and crawled into bed and watched tv. I kept waking up…I guess because of the excitement and anticipation of the next day when I would see my friends, but bottom line was that I didn't get much sleep. And, of COURSE, when I finally was sleeping nicely, the alarm went off. Isn't that the way it ALWAYS happens?

It was raining Wednesday morning, so my friend that was coming to meet me at the hotel was caught in really bad traffic and got there later than anticipated, but he did get there, so that is a good thing! We talked and talked and talked and talked and…well, you get the picture. Finally, we decided to go to lunch and ventured out in the rain to find a restaurant. We found a really interesting one (decorating wise, not so much menu wise) and had a really nice lunch. Then, even though our original plan was to do touristy stuff, we decided that the rain was not a good thing and went back to the hotel and hung out all afternoon until he had to leave…i.e. LOTS more talking. He even read a children's story that I'm working on and gave me some really great feedback and ideas. Then my other friend called to meet me for dinner, and first friend took off for home. Second friend is an intern for a congressman from Mass, so she took the Metro (train) over and met me at my hotel, and I took her to dinner at another restaurant near the hotel. And we sat in the restaurant and talked and talked and talked and talked and…you get the picture…(do you think I did a lot of talking this trip…uhhhh…YES!). I had crab cakes - a Maryland specialty, even though I was in Virginia, and they were very yummy I must say. By the way, it cost just a little bit more to take me AND my friend to dinner as it did to eat dinner by myself in the restaurant the night before. Go figure. Anyway, I walked her halfway back to the Metro station…about 5 blocks and then took off back to the hotel. Walking around is a little stressful right now with the sniper on the loose, so I was on the lookout for white vans. I figured if I saw one, I'd just hit the dirt…hahaha. But, I didn't see one. Can you believe it? And I got back to the hotel all in one piece. Then I watched tv, called Mike on the phone, did my ab crunches, went to bed, and fell asleep….until….this horrendous noise woke me up about midnight. I couldn't at first figure out what the hell it was, but finally I determined that it was the fire alarm. Oh yes…what fun! Now, being a teacher, and being used to fire drills, I did not panic, and really did not believe it was real. I looked out the window..didn't see any smoke, looked through the peephole, still nothing, so I decided I would just get kinda dressed and evacuate. I pulled on my jeans, my sweater over my nightie, and pulled my sandals from my bag that I had packed earlier, grabbed my key card and went out the door in search of the stairway. No clue where the stairway was, so I waited til I saw people come out of their rooms and determined to follow them. Then the lady next door to me pokes her head out and says that she called the front desk and someone had pulled the alarm by mistake, so I go back in my room, get undressed and go back to bed and to sleep.

Next morning, first friend comes over to the hotel again and we sit and talk for awhile, then I get finished packing, check out, and we go off on our sightseeing adventure, which now has to be crammed into just a few hours, because I have a plane to catch that afternoon.

First we went to Pentagon City to eat lunch at the mall, and then we caught the Metro to the National Archives stop. We walked to the Washington Monument, but didn't have time to go in. However, let me just tell you that the thing is HUGE! Pictures do not really give you a good perspective on how big it is. It is SOOO tall. Anyway, when I get the pictures back someday, I will post them. Then we walked back toward the capitol and passed the White House (it's a street or two over, but we could see it). OH, the Lincoln Memorial is on past the Washington Monument…didn't have time to actually go to it, but saw it in the distance. Okay, back to the story. We went from the Monument, saw the White House in the distance, passed the Smithsonian (cool building!) and on toward the Capitol. We stopped in the National Air and Space Museum which is just so totally cool. They have the real plane the Wright Brothers flew at Kitty Hawk (ooh ahh, murmur, murmur), the Spirit of St. Louise (Charles Lindbergh's plane), a lunar lander, and so so so much more. I was just speechless seeing all this stuff. And, the very cool thing about museums in Washington, is that you don't have to pay to get in. So, if you ever go there, you don't have to worry about budgeting money for the museums you want to see. You just go in, deal with security (which is of course a post Sept 11th phenomenon), and check out the museum. After the Air and Space Museum, we got closer to the Capitol, but didn't go all the way there, and stopped in the National Gallery of Art. Then we had to get back to the Metro and back to the car so he could drop me off at the airport. Off to the airport, a hug goodbye, and on my way home.

I had a really great time, and I hope I can go back sometime when I have more time to spend really exploring the city. I was very lucky that my friend was so well-informed and a GREAT tour guide, even though we didn't have a lot of time to do things. Hopefully there will be another longer time though. I was sad to see the trip end, but glad to get home.

Back to work on Monday…bummer.

Today was a pretty eventful day, but I'll have to write about it tomorrow, because I am TIRED.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm back from DC in one piece, and that I had a terrific time and it ended all too soon. Next time I go to DC, I will plan a much longer trip in order to do more more more stuff!

Okay, I'm really tired. It's 9:30, but my body seems to think it's somewhere between 9:30 and 12:30…it can't quite figure it out. So, i will write more hopefully tomorrow if I have time. Busy busy day tomorrow!

Well, I'm off to DC in the morning (it's almost morning already, but that's beside the point…). Hopefully it will be a safe trip, and hopefully I'll actually get to see something while I'm there. It will be good to see friends as well as visit someplace I've never been before. I'm sure I'll have lots to say when I return.

Today was a great day - my first massage. It was heavenly!!! I am so relaxed and so mellow. What a nice feeling. I highly recommend getting a massage if you've never had one.

Take care of yourselves while I'm gone. Behave and be nice to each other. I'll be back Thursday night, so you should be reading something new on Thursday or Friday.

Well, I survived parent/teacher conferences, and actually my conferences went terrifically well. I think, in my 8th year of teaching, I've finally gotten the hang of this stuff! ;-) Even the conference with the parents that had issues with me went very very well. Things there seem to be smoothed over and on the right track. All of my conferences showed up except for the parent that was out of town due to a death in the family and the one that had a baby. And I was out of there by 12:15 yesterday. Now I can get ready for my little trip and relax a bit. I even have a massage scheduled for Monday! I've not had one before, so I'm really looking forward to it. I just need to relax a little and get rid of the tension and I thought that might be a good way to do it. My brother-in-law is a massage therapist, but to have him do it would be a little strange, so he recommended someone to me. Now it is Saturday morning, and my list of things to do is growing by the minute, but at least I don't have to feel too rushed. Yay!

Happy Fall Break! Yippee!

Okay, so I'm beginning to like my favorite team less. In fact, I don't really like either team at this point. And I don't really have people I like other than I kind of like Helen. They are all annoying. So, this is going to be another Africa or something. :-P I really liked the Tangram puzzle challenge though. I could DO that!!!! Okay, now the spoilers…

Ghandia going did not bug me. I like Helen and Jan is okay, after all, I must stick with my teacher sister, but…those boys? I picked Ted, but I dunno. There is just nothing very likeable about anyone yet. Ugh!!!! I hope someone emerges as a likeable person at some point. *sigh*

Sorry I haven't written anything in the past three days. It's been a long week. It's almost over though, thank goodness. I have one conference in the morning…kids from 8 - 11 and two right after school. I should be out of there by noon. THANK GOD. Then I can relax and get ready for my little jaunt to Sniperville. Oh yes, brilliant me plans a trip to DC and a crazy man with a gun is on the loose there. What fun! Oh well, at least my life is not boring. :-P

Well, the first day of parent/teacher conferences is over and they went well thank goodness. I think, happily I might add, that this is probably the least stressed out I've ever been for conferences. Usually I'm a wreck, but this time I'm peaceful, calm, and collected. Perhaps I've finally figured out how to do them, or maybe it's because I have a little jaunt out of town planned for Fall Break next week, and having something to look forward to is giving me a light at the end of the tunnel to focus on rather than the conferences…for what it's worth. And perhaps some of it is the fact that my schedule this year worked out so nicely that I don't have any late days. That is certainly a relief. And, as much as I will miss him, Mike will be out of town the rest of the week. I really don't like him being gone, BUT, it takes all the pressure off of me to be expected to do anything else this week, but concentrate on conferences. I only have myself to answer to, and that is actually a nice feeling for this time of the year. Of course, I'm sure the nice feeling will go away the minute I hear a scary noise in the middle of the night. Oh well, you can't have everything huh?

So, the Diamondbacks were eliminated by the Cardinals in the first round. And to tell you the truth, I'm really not surprised. I had hope until Luis Gonzales was injured toward the end of the regular season, and after that, I just had a feeling in my gut that they weren't going to get too far. I didn't expect them to be swept, but there it is. The injuries, I think, were just too much to overcome. They lost Bautista at the beginning of the season, Counsell in the middle, and Anderson and Gonzo toward the end. That's a LOT, considering all four of them were major contributors in the postseason last year. But, that's life, and the thing that makes it easier for me to swallow is that the Yankees were eliminated before we were. HA HA! And now, I think I will root for the Cardinals. They had a rough year, with Darryl Kile's unexpected death, and I think they just may be the team of destiny, playing on talent AND emotion. Besides, if we were beaten by the eventual winner, doesn't that make it a little easier to take? We shall see. At least now I can focus on the new fall tv season. *wink* *wink*

Sorry I didn't get to this sooner, but I was soooo tired yesterday from being up so late on Thursday, and I was working on report cards, which is always such a joy :P

Anyway, here goes….

First of all, the new Dodge Theatre is awesome. What a great venue! The sound was great. The theatre is very nice. Terrific!

The stage was really neat looking. There were these little lamps all over making it look kind of like a living room - I mean that in a good way - very intimate. And later when Amy came out, they added candles, too, which was a really neat touch.

The opening act was Fernando Ortega whom I had never heard nor heard of before the concert. However, he was quite enjoyable. A very smooth voice as Marlene put it, and I agree. Very soothing. The two songs I remember the most are “Traveler” which is a prayer to bring them safely home from the road, and “The Breaking of the Dawn” which the writer wrote when her mother was ill and she was trying to get home to her before something happened. Of course, this one made Marlene and I cry since she recently lost her grandmother and I lost my mom two years ago. Beautiful song, though. He had a guitar player who played bass with his feet (Mike spotted this rather quickly being the musician he is), a drummer, and a cellist. He played piano (on a Steinway *sigh*). Very nice.

Finally, though, it was time for Miss Amy. First of all, her band came out, and a murmur went through the crowd as they realized that the guitar player was none other than her husband Vince Gill. Of course Marlene and I got all giddy and excited because we were hoping he would be there (it was a good bet since he's a golf fanatic, and Arizona is the golf capital of the world). Then Amy came strolling out onto the stage looking beautiful in jeans, a t-shirt and a long sweater. Her hair, by the way, was really awesome-looking. I can only hope to look that good after 40! She started off with “Lead Me On”, I believe (correct me if I'm wrong Marlene) and just launced into hit after hit after hit which was AWESOME! Old old stuff, new old stuff, lots of great songs. She even took a request that wasn't on the set list - Mimi's House - which she wrote about her great grandmother. She told stories and she is a terrific storyteller. Of course, some of the stories made Vince just shake his head, but she's just so real and genuine that you can't help but smile. They really look a lot in love, and like they have so much fun together…lots of laughter. The middle of the concert was from her new album called “Legacy” which is a collection of old hymns from her days growing up in the Church of Christ (which is where I also grew up, and which for those of you not aware uses no instruments and only has congregational a cappella singing). The twist is that she has arranged these hymns in brand-new ways…different styles and feels and they are really neat to hear. Of course, all I could think of listening to the album was how my dad would hate it…hahaha. Oh well, no accounting for taste. Anyway, after the hymn break she did more hits, sang a couple of songs from the next album (hopefully out in February…yay!) and even had Vince sing a couple of his own songs. Such a sweet sweet voice that man has. And what a guitar player! Finally, during the last song (well, before the encore anyway), their little daughter Corinna (who I believe is right around one and a half) came toddling out onto the stage straight to mommy. What an angel! And not a bit afraid of the crowd. She just walked on out to mama, and when mama was done singing her line she picked up the little bundle of joy. The encore was…oh gee…I've totally spaced it. I'm sure Marlene will help me remember. Anyway, it was an awesome concert. She always does a superb job of entertaining. It is truly her gift. I look forward to the next time, and the coolest part was sharing it with Marlene and her hubby and for the first time actually getting to see her with Mike!!! I've seen her three times without him, and he once without me. This also made up for the concert I missed when I had the chicken pox (given to me by one of my lovely kindergarteners a few years ago).

Oh, I forgot one of the interesting things: it was the first night on the job for one of her backup singers and she did a terrific job! I would LOVE to be a backup singer for Amy Grant, or for anyone for that matter. Seeing concerts always gives me the itch to perform. We shall see….

Awesome, awesome, awesome. LOVE HER!!!!

I went to the salon today and here is what I look like now: